1. Chris Soules is so very boring, ABC had to bring on someone funny (cue Jimmy Kimmel) to carry the show...and it's only episode 3.
2. Not only is Chris really boring, he talks without moving his lips and laughs like a little girl.
3. Date 1...one on one with Kaitlyn, she likes beef and whiskey, laughs like a man, will put out in the fantasy suite and SWEARS she won't be mad if he sleeps with everyone else in the fantasy suite. Kickin' the tires, you know. Although she really may be a man, serving steak and pot stickers together for dinner??? She gets a rose and then gets in a hot tub (of course) for a make out sesh with Chris while Jimmy watches eating afore mentioned pot stickers. Anyone else notice a lack of bubbles? Luke warm, bubble less hot tubs suck. Kiss #1.
4. Date #2 the Hoe Down Throw Down group date with Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy (there is Tracy?), McKenzie, Kelsey, Ashley S., Juelia (Gulia...The Wedding Singer?), Samantha, Nikki, Carly and Amber. This is a race with the most ridiculous activities related to farming ever. I am a little embarrassed anyone would do this to spend 5 minutes with a guy, 276 other women are dating. But it's also really funny to watch. Corn shucking, egg gathering and cracking, goat milking (watch out or you will get the boy), goat milk chugging (I threw up a little), shoveling poop and greased pig catching. Carly is lactose intolerant but determined to win at any cost. Jillian wears a "Stay Classy" t-shirt while a black bar covers her overexposed rear and lady bits. Kelsey says goat's milk straight from the teat is salty and warm and tastes like protein (bom chicky bom bom). Amber wants none of that in her mouth...and I believe that's why she gets cut later (spoiler alert!). Jillian jumps a 12 foot fence in a single bound ala the Bionic women giving up the 6,287th view of her ass but Carly grabs a pig lickitty split to win the whole thing! Carly does a very odd celebration dance and gets to dress up with Chris for a picture. American Gothic, of course and of course none of the girls knows what that is. Oy. I can't wait for that goats milk to kick in later on the date. At the cocktail party, Carly jumps in to take Chris aside..."you are a man and I am a woman and I want to take advantage of that." awkward intro to kiss. Kiss #2. Amber and Chris slow dance to no music. Kiss #3. Jillian attacks Chris with her mouth. Kiss #4. Becca has alone time but won't kiss Chris, because she doesn't want to rush things. Does she know she is on a show where you get engaged in like 8 days?!?!? Best moment of the whole night is when McKenzie asks "remember how we kissed?" and "why are you kissing everyone else?". Crickets as Chris tries to answer. Better when McKenzie replays the convo to the other girls (because she is like 14) and worries Chris hates her. OMG!!! Becca nabs the rose.
5. Date 3 a one on one with Whitney who cries when she gets the date card she is so happy. Gak. I watch the Bachelor with my daughter, who is 7 (I know, I know, bad mommy) and at this point she says..."Whitney has a voice that gets really annoying.", I completely agree. They go to a winery...maybe it's Ben Flaniks??? Chris explains "roll the cob" to Whitney. Who takes it a step further and suggests they crash a wedding. Which is totally planned from the get go so is really stupid how they hem and haw and Chris thinks they may go to jail. Yes Chris, they put wedding crashers in prison. Considering Chris has been at the wrong end of the long arm of the law, one would thing he would know better how to land yourself in the clink (drunk and disorderly anyone?!?). They dance horribly (which Whitney LOVES!), lie their way through the evening (which Chris really loves) and he seems genuinely smitten with Whitney and her Mickey Mouse voice. I just don't get it but what do I know. Rose plus kiss #5.
6. Jimmy and Chris shower together, washing each others backs. I am both creeped out and amused.
7. No cocktail party...POOL PARTY! Because Jimmy Kimmel has kind of been a pig through the whole episode, this is no surprise. Ashley I is horrified. She was excited to do her "Kardashian look" at the cocktail party and is pissed she has to wear the look to a pool party. I totally get it A! Juelia has a super heavy moment with Chris talking about her husbands suicide. It was very sad, she is sorry she cried and I had a hard time focusing with her Zanadu headband on. Why is everyone wearing headbands across their foreheads now? Ashley I was in "super finding Chris mode", got frustrated with dividing up alone time with Chris, cries (again) and walks away pouting. Britt tries talking and gets shut down with Chris' lips. Kiss #6. Jillian with her blacked out butt wait FOREVER in the hot tub for awkward convo and Kiss #8. She waits so long because Jade gets Kiss #7 in his bed after touring his hacienda. Megan, Ashley I and McKenzie, who have a combined maturity level of an 11 year old girl are acting like idiots trying to fairly divide up alone time with Chris. This stupid conversation actually takes more time than any of them get with Chris but this doesn't seem to bother any of them. When Ashley I does get her time she babbles like an idiot, Chris totally doesn't get it and then she eats him alive. No wait, that was a kiss. Kiss #9.
8. Rose ceremony! I am looking at these girls and there are still ones I don't even recognize...hm. Ashley I makes crazy faces because she is the last to get a rose and she TOLD HIM not to do that to her!!! Rose getters are Whitney, Becca, Jade, Samantha, Juelia, McKenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S. (wth?!?!), Nikki, Jillian and Ashley I. Bye Byers are Amber and two girls whose names I don't know. Really.
9. My list ends here...until next week. I will watch so you don't have to!
