Beating a Dead (Stick) Horse...and Porn

Because I love to beat a dead (stick) horse...today on the way to preschool...

I'm not exactly sure what this says about your family but I'm pretty sure we would have very little to talk about at a backyard BBQ.  Just for fun I would probably say, "Didn't you just LOVE Jar Jar Binks?".  Then we would probably have to get out our light sabers and be all "Oh no you di-nt!". 

And in other topical news (and by that I mean it's trending on Yahoo or I read it in People Magazine)...

 Have you jumped on the Mommy porn bandwagon yet?  If so, you are not alone.  There are even plenty of Dudes reading to see what all the hype is about.  Imma gonna give you my fifty cents on Fifty Shades.  B.O.R.I.N.G.  I know, I know, there's lots of hands fisting in hair, plenty of daily sex (now I see why the men folks are interested)...some of it quite kinky.  Spoiler Alert:  The virginal coed falls IN LOVE with the dirty, f'ed up hotty and they live happily ever after with many misadventures thrown in to make it more a novel and less a Penthouse Letter.  Is this really what any of us want in a book that's all S&M -y???  I think not.  But if you still have your heart set on seeing what all the sexy fuss is about, have at it.  I read the whole series...every tawdry bit of it.  I'm pretty sure I am not alone when I say that my Mommy Porn would be more along the lines of a two night stay at the Holiday Inn Express down the street where the room is cleaned for me, my meals are delivered to my door (I suppose this is where the man fits into the fantasy but I'm not picky, just hungry), I get the remote and it's very very quiet, I am alone in bed (rather than the usual 2+) and I get to sleep in.  Oh my...

Keep Calm and Carry a Big Stick (Family)

Martini Mom really should have done her homework.  Thank you to my fantastic sister-in-law for showing me the anti-sticker family sticker that lead me to these AWESOME options.

I knew there was quite a selection of families to choose from but this one even surprised me.  And by that mean I thought it was freakin' hillarious.  Farm Family edition...love the pig and the pitch fork kid.

This one took TMI to a new level...angels?  Seems a little sad to post on the mini, no?  If you have the one in a wheelchair do you get to park up front??  SO many options!

And by The Ass Family I mean the Martini Family.

Who hasn't gotten on the zombie band wagon...right???

Because even Mommy needs a hobby.

Finch's car...parked in front of Stifler's house.  I think this one is my favorite.

Just for fun.  Wouldn't this be fun???

The bottom line.

Thanks for entertaining and encouraging (it doesn't take much) the rants of a middle-aged, martini lovin' mother of three!!!



I Do Not Heart Stickers on Cars or Say it Don't Display it

Let me start out by stating the obvious...I'm not a fan of stickers on your car.  I'm not judging (well maybe just a little)...you do whatever you want with your own mini.  Our families all have hobbies and interests...I am just not sure why they need to be conveyed to every stranger we pass on the road.
 
For example, today, I passed a car with a sticker in her back window...a stick person dressed as a chef and 4 little stick dogs...with bows on their little stick dog heads.  There are many options available to dress up the family SUV.  Stick people, stick people dressed with hobby accessories, stick pets, stick DISNEY people (I think we already know that EVERY kid in EVERY family likes Disney and I believe 97.8% of parents would rather get a hockey puck in the eye [see how I let you in on MY family hobbies right there...no sticker needed] than go to Disney).  You can let us know about your super smart honor student, your crappy kid who will beat up said honor student or your visit to Wall Drugs.  My personal favorite (and by that I mean I wanted to key your car) was found by Thing 1 on a Wrangler in the Red Robin parking lot in Wisconsin Dells...stick figure taking another stick figure face down over the hood of a Jeep saying "Only on a Jeep"...LOVED explaining that over our onion ring tower.  Dude, you should NOT be proud of that sticker AND you should be even less proud of your tiny stick wiener.  Tonight, it was unsettling to see "My soldier fights for freedom for your honor student"...I know there has always been a battle between smarty mcfarty kids and stupid bully kids but I'm not sure where the rift between a soldier and an honor student comes from.

So I wonder...why do people who are driving past you have to know these things about you???  And when your sticker choice involves Calvin or Hobbes peeing on a truck (ala Ford v. Chevy) all I can ask is, for the love of God, why???  I get it a little...I too am in a battle between my head and my heart and an Ice Dogs Hockey sticker.  EVERY car in the lot has one and I know it's just a matter of time...and I think it makes me less of a hockey Mom.  I mean I drive them all over, spend every moment in a cold arena and take out a second mortgage on the house every time fees are due or someone needs new pads and skates...but unless I proclaim my affiliation to the Dogs with a sticker on my Caravan so that strangers can see it when I drive down I-90 I will feel an empty hole in MY SOUL.  Or not.

If I HAD to put stickers on my mini they would likely be something along these lines...

My Book Club can totally drink your Book Club under the table...wait...there was a book???
 or
Our Family in Stick People

                   Mom with martini(s)
                   Dad with tv remote
                   Thing 1 with word bubble (for uncomfortable conversations we are inevitably starting to have as he gets older...Viagra you say???)
                   Thing 2 with Pikachu or Sharzu (what the flognot is a Sharzu!)or whatever character he is obsessed with that day    
                   The Princess dressed as a princess (which kind of looks like a homeless person wearing all their clothes at once)
                   The two pugs (no bows, I'm not allowed to dress them...peeing on someone's shoes, of course)
                   and I wouldn't waste my money on the fish stickers, they generally don't last too long at our house and my daughter likes to annouce at Sunday School that Mom killed the goldfish.

If you know where I can get either of these stickers, let me know...until then, I will keep my opinions(who am I kidding, like that's ever going to happen) and my personal information to myself.