You may already be aware that the 2012 break out Mommy porn star of the year, 50 Shades of Grey, is not my favorite book. Which isn't to say I didn't read every last poorly written word of all three books in the series...in about 72 hours. Of course, being erotica, it is kinda hot (albeit in a cheesy kind of way) and poorly, oh so poorly written (in a poorly written kind of way). But really, when housewives are looking to step it up from Danielle Steele and read the dirty details about what happens AFTER he pushes her gently down onto the bed (or not so gently, as the case may be), I doubt any of us expected literary magic. So naturally, when my GF suggested we listen to the audio book on our weekend road trip to MN, I said abso-porny-lutely! Surely a dramatic reading of the shadiest book to hit the best sellers list in a long time would be WAY HOT, right? W.R.O.N.G. And this is where 50 Shades went horribly, horribly awry.
Truth be told, this was my first experience with an audio book so I was all kinds of nervous, much like Ms. Steele before she became acquainted with Mr. Grey's "favorite and most cherished part of his body" (yeah, I couldn't make this sh** up). My GF is in the business of voice overs and let me know that the reader would use different voices to distinguish between characters...makes sense. So I assumed (you know where that usually gets you) the reader would be skilled at creating different voices...makes sense. She totally sucked at it...makes.total.sense. I'll share few of the highlights...Kate Kavanagh sounding like the girls working at the Gap in a classic SNL sketch..."OH MY GOD Becky...cinch it!". Christian Grey sounding very much like you would expect any female reader would sound like trying to sound like a man, she just lowers her voice...which would work if she wasn't reading things like "feel me" and "I'd like to give you a good hiding". Then, it just sounds silly (and by that I mean sillier than it already sounds). And last, but certainly worst, is the accent used for the character Jose Rodriguez...somewhat Hispanic at first and then alternating between a little bit Hispanic and a whole lotta Russian spy...awesome. And did I mention that in the book, Ms. Steele is about to graduate college in 2011 without having a computer, an e-mail account, a serious kiss (that's with tongue people), any feelings of desire for a man whatsoever and not only is a virgin, she has never fooled around with a man AT ALL (Mr. Grey was kind enough to show her how to give a handy). Combine the preposterous story line, horrible writing and bad narrating and you create the perfect storm...for mockery...and lots of it. To make it more interesting, my GF and I treated it much like Mystery Science Theater 3000 (a personal favorite) and mocked the crap out of it. In the end, it was a great time, with a great friend and made the drive time pass quickly...mission accomplished.
Having been disappointed with the books and the audio books I am really concerned for the movie (but you know I'll be watching it opening weekend!). I hope they understand the importance of visual stimulation for women and don't cast a Josh Hutcherson when clearly this part calls for a Liam Hemsworth. Seriously though, if the Princess can make it to her college graduation having no idea what a penis looks like (and in my head she will), let alone having never been seriously kissed (what a shame)...I will personally send a letter of apology to the author for dissing her book so much.
