Episode 2...Tractors and Zombies and Hairy Behinds, Oh My!

Hoodies should always be zipped above the nipple line...just sayin'.

Are you ready to dissect this weeks dramatic (aren't they all Chris Harrison?) and tear filled (I see an awesome marketing opportunity for a waterproof mascara here Maybelline) episode?  I certainly am, so let's begin.

Last week ended with a cliff hanger named Kimberly.  A yoga instructor from Long Island who pleaded her case with Chris for a second chance...and GOT IT!  While this was going on, all the women were bitching up a storm with their roses.  Until Chris returns with Kimberly and they all smile and clap.  What would the Bachelor be without a gaggle of two faced, catty ladies to make the show worth watching?!?!?  She should have drawn a target on the back of her bandage dress because haters gonna hate K!


She just wasn't ready to go...spoiler alert!  She does anyway.
 

But not before getting this one for the scrapbook back home.

Commercial Break!!!  And probably the best thing about this episode...there is a new SpongeBob movie coming out!  Yay!  I can pretty much sum up any situation in life with a Seinfeld, Friends or SpongeBob quote...proudly.  I can own it.  I love that little yellow sponge.  Now back to the show.


I heart SpongeBob.

First date, group date.  Jade, Mackenzie, Kimberly, Tara, Ashley I and Tandra get to put on their bikinis for a pool party.  Chicken fight!!!  Aaaaan Kimberly gives Chris a succulent as a symbol of their growing feelings.  Have you ever had a succulent?  They grow very, very slowly.


Spoiler alert!  A foreshadowing of things to come...or go.

Meanwhile, back at the house...the women have learned that Chris is living RIGHT DOWN THE DRIVEWAY!!!  This is like throwing a big steak to a junkyard dog people.  There are 528 women vying for 1 guy!  Megan and Jillian break in, because of course they do!  Two things of note on their spying mission...Jillian has her who ha and her heinie blacked out and Megan (is anyone home in there?) puts on a helmet and bangs her head into things.  The wall, the fridge, the table, you name it.  To make sure it works.  Yes, she did.  Now if she had ran her helmeted head into the blacked out buns of Jillian the whole thing would have been much funnier.  I mean that girl is solid as a rock! 

Sneaky AND scantily clad.

There are no words.

Meanwhile on the group date, the women parade down the streets of LA in bikinis.  For reals.  Apparently, Chris thought the walk would be a lot shorter than the mile plus...in a bikini...on the sidewalk...of a highway.  I can only hope there was enough thigh gap to stave off chaffing...ouch. 

Who loves a bikini parade?  This guy!!!  And everyone else driving down the 405 that day.

 A bikini parade to a tractor race!  Because...Prince Farming.  Every girl grab a tractor (not John Deere by the way...wha?!?!  Take his farmers card away!!!)  and sit your pretty little, still bikini clad butt down and get ready to race!  I may have seen it all now on the Bachelor...a bikini tractor race.  This may only come second to Juan Pablo's bikini poop fight in New Zealand.

Oh the memories...is this a European thing?!?!?

 Anywho, I digress again.  Back to the tractor race...

Yeah, this happened in LA.

Ashley I.
"I am a little more Kardashian than country."
Indeed.

Ashley I. is the winner and get's five minutes alone, in a bikini on a tractor with Chris.  I wish I could say "winner winner chicken dinner!" but no, she is just cold on a tractor with everyone's boyfriend because Mackenzie gets to finish the date for dinner alone.  Chris and Mackenzie's date is probably one of the weirdest I have seen.  She tells him he has a big nose, which is a requirement for her and asks if he believes in aliens.  He says no, she says I don't know.  I wonder how many of the other girls believe in aliens.  I'm guessing a bunch.  It gets even more awkward when she hems and haws her way around it but finally blurts out "I have a kid!".  To which Chris, 12 YEARS HER SENIOR, says kids don't scare him.  21 year old, organic loving yet soybean ignorant, alien questioning but knows she loves a big nose girl trying to marry you should send you running.  Please be scared Chris, this one's a nut ball for sure.  I am doubting he sees her oddities because he loves kissing her on the date...maybe 4 or 5 times, which she describes (every one) in detail to the girls after going home.  Now that's how you make friends on the Bachelor!  21 going on 15 people.  I called it.  Still she gets a rose.

"Soybean?  Never heard of it, is it organic?"
Can't make this up.

Next date is with Megan.  She does not seem very bright (remember the helmets?) and everything is "Amazing" and "This is crazy" for Megan.  In her limited time (like an hour) with Chris she already knows he is amazing!  That's probably normal but after an hour with my husband all I knew for sure was that I thought he was cute and I might like to make out with him.  Also, she is absolutely 100% head over heels.  Oy.  She gets a rose.  Redeeming this ultra boring date is the first helicopter of the season...yay!  And some spectacular views of the Grand Canyon. 

"This is crazy amazing!"

Next group date includes Kelsey, Trina, Alyssa, Tracy, Jillian, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, Britt and Becca.  They all play zombie paintball.  Which sounds pretty freakin' awesome to me.  During the date Ashley S. is crazier than normal.  She makes no sense at all, keeps saying the zombie world looks like Mesa Verde, talks to angels in candles and keeps saying "hode on!", like hold on but with a bad cold.  After talking nonsense to Chris, she goes back to the house but not before roaming around on all fours talking to stray, likely feral cats.  Oh and Kaitlyn gets the rose.

The best part of this date was when Chris said "Holy Schnikes".  It is an underutilized gem when trying not to curse.  I love it.  Props to Chris.  Soules and Farley.

Back at the ranch, Jordan is totally hammered.  ALL THE TIME.  She wall twerks and says Jillian needs to take a weed whacker to her hairy tush.  Perhaps this explains the black lines over her nether regions during her spy mission.

Drunk wall twerking gone bad.  Is there any other way for it to go?

 We also learn that Juelia has a child and the father killed himself shortly after her birth.  I can't say anything about this.  It was so sad watching her tell the rest of the girls.  She seems very broken and I hope she is ok going through this season.  That's heavier than the Bachelor usually likes to go.  Wow.

On a lighter note...cocktail party!!!

Ashley I. and Mackenzie have a chat.  Ashley has never had a boyfriend and is a virgin.  Mackenzie is jealous...she says guys love virgins, so that and Ashley's hotness are sure to keep her on the show longer.  Mackenzi "can't even try to say she is a virgin since she has a kid!".  Again with the 21 going on 15.  Yikes.

Ashley I. goes on to have a chat with Chris.  She has a belly button piercing. Because in addition to thinking she's a little bit Kardashian, she likes to think of herself as Princess Jasmine.  Her belly button has a genie lamp in it.  Why not?  According to Ashley, Chris needs to rub it to get his three wishes.  Of course his first wish is a kiss, which is so open mouthed and tonguey I am pretty sure she swallowed his face for a moment while totally grossing me out.

 

Perhaps this is what ran through Ashley's head when sucking face with Chris?

Jordan is super sloppy drunk...again.  See the pattern?

Awkward.

Roses go to Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia, Amber, Jillian, Jade, Nicky, Becca, Carly, Whitney, Ashley S. (WTF?!?!?).  During the roses we cut to Debbie Downer and Mean Girl Tara who knocks Ashley I. for wearing to much make up (because that's how you should judge your wife) and Samantha and Tandra for being free riders who haven't put forth enough effort.  Tara rolls hers eyes and cries A LOT.  Which comes in handy when she DOES NOT get a rose and leaves, doing the ugly cry and moaning "I'll get used to rejection.  I am used to walking away empty handed and this will haunt me for the rest of my life.".  Me thinks he dodged a crazy bullet on that one.  Best part of the rose ceremony goes to the moment when Chris calls JUELIA and Jillian steps forward (not Juelia) and then trips on the carpet, letting out the most uncomfortable cackle/laugh!  Going to get NOT HER ROSE!  I will admit, Thing 1 and I watched this over and over about four times...it was awesome.

Whoooaaaaaaa...

She's down!  Aaaaaand cackle.

I don't even know who this girl is but I like what she's sayin'.

                                                      
Kiss Count


Mackenzie Kiss #1 but 1 of many on the date. 

Megan Kiss #2 and I bet it was AMAZING!

Kaitlyn #3

Britt #4

Ashley I. #5 in a moment she swallows his head whole.

Amber #6 wanted to kiss him so hard.

Jordan #7 kiss thwarted by drunken awkwardness.

Next week Jimmy Kimmel shows up.  This had me thinking what does Jimmy Kimmel have to do with the Bachelor?  And then my lovely friend Dina sent this to me today. Like the cherry on top of my blog sundae.  Because all episodes of the Bachelor need gratuitous shower scenes.  Thanks Dina!

Until next time!

 

Who is Willing to Live in Arlington, Iowa (pop. 8 old men and The Bachelor) for Cash and 10 Seconds of Fame (until they break up months later)?



I'm here to PUMP, you up!

He's baaaaaaack!  Chris Soules, 33 year old farmer in the dell from extreeeeeeemly rural Iowa is the newest Bachelor.  I am really excited to see what kinds of shenanigans we are in store for...Chris seems super Prince Charmingish (despite his crappy location, he IS a bajillionaire farmer) but I think there is a bad boy side we have yet to see.  All the better to bring out the crazy in the ladies vying for his roses.  Speaking of crazy, shall we?



Her face stays this way THE WHOLE TIME.

 Ashley S...Onion girl.  Me thinks this one is truly bat sh$# cray cray.  I don't know what was going on with her, over medicated?  When asked why she is still single you can't beat her answer..."Because I'm f-ing crazy!"  Previews to next week show her a little hammered begging for a make out sesh.  I think this is gonna be a BIG kissing season...since it started on the first night!  But I digress, let's get back to being hammered...

Bottoms up girlfriend!

 Tara, sport fishing enthusiast and her best friends Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker and Jose Cuervo.  Hollering for a Jameson on the rocks upon arrival.  She also showed up in daisy dukes and cowboy boots.  I am really looking forward to seeing what this one will bring to the table.  Like tequila, salt and limes. 

A self proclaimed virgin with a healthy libido?!?!

 Ashley L. is gorgeous, never had a boyfriend and a virgin.  I get that the show was probably really excited to get a virgin in the line up but NEVER had a boyfriend as marriage material???  I think they missed the mark on this one but it will be a hot story line to be sure.  Previews show Mackenzie (I will get to HER later) being so very jelly of her virgin status and predicting her taking home the final rose for this reason alone. 

Lay off the Aussie Sprunch Spray girl.

 Mackenzie...21 and it shows.  She brings to the table a child she must have had shortly after getting her drivers license.  She acts all of 15 and is cursed with really bad hair.  She does not know what a soybean is but she named her son after an iron rich leafy green.  Good for a smoothie?  Definitely.  A name?  I am not a fan, the name or the not so bright girl.

NOT Jillian but you get the idea.

Jillian is a muscley gal who likes to flex.  She does pull ups while holding a metal file cabinet between her thighs.  Enough said.

WWE or WTF?

 Another buff one is Brittany, a wrestler from Florida (oh Florida) because she will totally be a great fit for a farmer in rural Iowa.  Maybe if she is willing to change her career path to include pigs and mud or ladies in jello.  I vote for jello wrestling based on the lingerie she wore as a dress, WITH matching white lacey wrist cuffs.

To good to be true or gonna get good???

 Brit gets the first impression rose and a make out sesh on the first night!  Gasp!  Shocking!ish.  She likes to wait tables and give out free hugs and seems too good to be true.  My limited research says this is likely to be the case so stay tuned for Brits crazy to come out.



No just no.

 There is a cruise ship singer that is just too PINK and must go.  Oh Carly.

Bringing the fun back to human cadaver sales...one body part at a time!

 Reegan sells human tissue.  I have no words.

I'm pretty sure there are no pigs on his farm.  Oops!  Can I introduce you to Google?

 Nicole came out of the limo with a pig nose on.  Because farming. 

Electric Boogaloo 3???

 "Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?  Because he was looking for a tight seal."

A joke that Megan from Nashville did not understand, told by Kaitlyn who came out of the limo guns a blazin'.  "You can plow my f-ing field anytime".  She also gave him a break dancing lesson.  All that was missing was a flattened cardboard box to perform on and it would have been a scene straight out of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.  I am not kidding, I couldn't make this stuff up.

If this was a video you would be unable to watch...that voice!

Whitney, representing.  A fertility nurse from Chicago.  Someone please turn her voice off!!!  Ahhhh!!!  She likens what she does for women in the Windy City to inseminating hogs on a farm.  I'm calling it both kinda insulting and a big stretch.  Extremely judgey of the other girls drinking...see face above.  Please make her stop talking.

I worry they may pop right out of her head!

 Finally, Amanda, the real crazy eyes from Lake in the Hills, IL.  Normally this would excite me but then we get to know her.  Aside from seriously crazy eyes, she is a pageant girl turned ballet instructor who lives at home and let's her mom cook and clean for her.  I'm thinking a wife she is not.  Child yes, wife no. 

There you have it!  Roses went to Kaitlyn, Jade, Samantha, Ashley, Sandra, Nicky, Kelsey, Megan, Alyssa, Amber, Julia, Becca, Trina, Mackenzie, Tracey, Tara, Jordan, Jillian, Whitney, Carly and Ashley.  Maybe more, I was getting bored by this time.  Losers were Amanda, who cried, Kara, who called herself a little servant and what would she do now? and Kimberly.

Kimberly comes back and asks for another shot at a rose...dum dum duuuuuuum...cliff hanger until next episode!  Stay tuned!  I'll be back after another "most dramatic" episode ever on the "journey" of the Bachelor!