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| I'm here to PUMP, you up! |
He's baaaaaaack! Chris Soules, 33 year old farmer in the dell from extreeeeeeemly rural Iowa is the newest Bachelor. I am really excited to see what kinds of shenanigans we are in store for...Chris seems super Prince Charmingish (despite his crappy location, he IS a bajillionaire farmer) but I think there is a bad boy side we have yet to see. All the better to bring out the crazy in the ladies vying for his roses. Speaking of crazy, shall we?
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| Her face stays this way THE WHOLE TIME. |
Ashley S...Onion girl. Me thinks this one is truly bat sh$# cray cray. I don't know what was going on with her, over medicated? When asked why she is still single you can't beat her answer..."Because I'm f-ing crazy!" Previews to next week show her a little hammered begging for a make out sesh. I think this is gonna be a BIG kissing season...since it started on the first night! But I digress, let's get back to being hammered...
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| Bottoms up girlfriend! |
Tara, sport fishing enthusiast and her best friends Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker and Jose Cuervo. Hollering for a Jameson on the rocks upon arrival. She also showed up in daisy dukes and cowboy boots. I am really looking forward to seeing what this one will bring to the table. Like tequila, salt and limes.
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| A self proclaimed virgin with a healthy libido?!?! |
Ashley L. is gorgeous, never had a boyfriend and a virgin. I get that the show was probably really excited to get a virgin in the line up but NEVER had a boyfriend as marriage material??? I think they missed the mark on this one but it will be a hot story line to be sure. Previews show Mackenzie (I will get to HER later) being so very jelly of her virgin status and predicting her taking home the final rose for this reason alone.
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| Lay off the Aussie Sprunch Spray girl. |
Mackenzie...21 and it shows. She brings to the table a child she must have had shortly after getting her drivers license. She acts all of 15 and is cursed with really bad hair. She does not know what a soybean is but she named her son after an iron rich leafy green. Good for a smoothie? Definitely. A name? I am not a fan, the name or the not so bright girl.
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| NOT Jillian but you get the idea. |
Jillian is a muscley gal who likes to flex. She does pull ups while holding a metal file cabinet between her thighs. Enough said.
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| WWE or WTF? |
Another buff one is Brittany, a wrestler from Florida (oh Florida) because she will totally be a great fit for a farmer in rural Iowa. Maybe if she is willing to change her career path to include pigs and mud or ladies in jello. I vote for jello wrestling based on the lingerie she wore as a dress, WITH matching white lacey wrist cuffs.
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| To good to be true or gonna get good??? |
Brit gets the first impression rose and a make out sesh on the first night! Gasp! Shocking!ish. She likes to wait tables and give out free hugs and seems too good to be true. My limited research says this is likely to be the case so stay tuned for Brits crazy to come out.
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| No just no. |
There is a cruise ship singer that is just too PINK and must go. Oh Carly.
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| Bringing the fun back to human cadaver sales...one body part at a time! |
Reegan sells human tissue. I have no words.
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| I'm pretty sure there are no pigs on his farm. Oops! Can I introduce you to Google? |
Nicole came out of the limo with a pig nose on. Because farming.
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| Electric Boogaloo 3??? |
"Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? Because he was looking for a tight seal."
A joke that Megan from Nashville did not understand, told by Kaitlyn who came out of the limo guns a blazin'. "You can plow my f-ing field anytime". She also gave him a break dancing lesson. All that was missing was a flattened cardboard box to perform on and it would have been a scene straight out of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. I am not kidding, I couldn't make this stuff up.
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| If this was a video you would be unable to watch...that voice! |
Whitney, representing. A fertility nurse from Chicago. Someone please turn her voice off!!! Ahhhh!!! She likens what she does for women in the Windy City to inseminating hogs on a farm. I'm calling it both kinda insulting and a big stretch. Extremely judgey of the other girls drinking...see face above. Please make her stop talking.
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| I worry they may pop right out of her head! |
Finally, Amanda, the real crazy eyes from Lake in the Hills, IL. Normally this would excite me but then we get to know her. Aside from seriously crazy eyes, she is a pageant girl turned ballet instructor who lives at home and let's her mom cook and clean for her. I'm thinking a wife she is not. Child yes, wife no.
There you have it! Roses went to Kaitlyn, Jade, Samantha, Ashley, Sandra, Nicky, Kelsey, Megan, Alyssa, Amber, Julia, Becca, Trina, Mackenzie, Tracey, Tara, Jordan, Jillian, Whitney, Carly and Ashley. Maybe more, I was getting bored by this time. Losers were Amanda, who cried, Kara, who called herself a little servant and what would she do now? and Kimberly.
Kimberly comes back and asks for another shot at a rose...dum dum duuuuuuum...cliff hanger until next episode! Stay tuned! I'll be back after another "most dramatic" episode ever on the "journey" of the Bachelor!
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