20 minutes. 20 minutes of my life that I can never have back…sharpening NINETY (yes, 9. 0.) @*!#% No. 2 pencils. Thank GOD for the electronic pencil sharpener that came free with purchase! It spared my eyeliner sharpener and me a lot of pain. And it only had to be emptied 4 freakin’ times and cooled down twice when it overheated…sharpening…90…pencils. Now, I totally understand the need for new school supplies at the beginning of each school year (seriously?!?)…even the communal items like tissues and paper and hand sanitizer (oh my!) and all the excitement that goes with it. I do, however, struggle with the extreme specifics of each product on the list. Seriously, what did the Rose Art Company ever do to deserve being shut out of our back to school dollars? And perhaps I have a coupon for Puffs? Kids are snotty (literally) and you know they’re going to ask for additional boxes of tissue later in the school year when Tommy or Susie bring the Swine Flu to school and they won’t care what brand it is so long as I send it in promptly. So…since I am growing more confident as a mother every year (or so I tell myself) I was able to take some liberties with the list this time. I feel 3 small pink erasers are an acceptable substitute for 2 large. One pack of 30 pencil top erasers can be exchanged for 2 packs of 12 each. And I do not think they even SELL vinyl smocks for kids over the age of 3 so an old long sleeve shirt of Dad’s with the sleeves rolled up? Check that one off the list too. If it was good enough for me in the 80’s it’s good enough for (who AM I and why do I sound like my mother!)... Finally, I decided to pass off a royal blue plastic folder (don’t even get me started with the plastic folders!) WITH prongs as purple. I WAS able to find purple folders but NO PRONGS! The prongs seemed to be key so I made an executive decision. Even Martini Son #1 agreed that in certain light it COULD be taken for purple. Just for good measure, next to his name in the folder, I wrote PURPLE. He laughed; we have the same sense of humor (thank GOD). PS…the fact that these are the types of decisions I have to even think/worry about (and I will, for hours) proves that
A. I am totally NOT the confident mother I think I am (unbalanced comes to mind) and
B. I can’t believe this is what my life has become (insert favorite martini here).
I do realize the following are totally my fault (in addition to a little OCD I dabble in procrastination):
1. The school district offers school supplies nicely packaged that you pick up on Meet the Principle Day before school starts. I don’t know WHEN this form is sent home but I have managed to miss it for TWO YEARS STRAIGHT (did I mention I suck at organization too?)!
2. In addition to #1, I also wait until the week before school starts to get our supplies. Did you people really go out in June when they first surfaced on the Target shelves?? I was at Target (about a hundred times this summer)…but didn’t shop for school supplies until the week before school started. BIG MISTAKE and 4 stores later I had 99% of the lists done.
3. My kids ARE old enough to sharpen their own damn pencils if I don’t wait until 9pm the night before school starts. When I said I understood the excitement of new school supplies I was not referring to my own kids having excitement for them.
4. I will always spend FAR too much time and energy on tasks that have little meaning in the grand scheme of things to avoid being “that Mom”. Perhaps the teacher would refer to me as that “pain in the ass Mom” that can’t follow directions.
Yes, I did have the Real Housewives of New Jersey to keep me company but it was still an irritating project for a Monday night. I AM a stay-at-home Mom with a s!@% load of time on my hands but I prefer to watch my Housewives while clutching a cool beverage or a pint of Haagen Dazs not 90 Dixon Ticonderoga's.
In the end, it was all worth it when they walked out the door with their brand new back packs filled to capacity with the first load of school supplies strapped to their backs. You bet we split it up into at least two trips! As the mother of accident prone children, you are just asking for trouble hauling a 50 lb. package of copy paper and a million SUPER sharp pencils in the same trip...the horror! As they turned to wave at me while they walked to the bus stop with big, excited smiles on their faces I smiled with pride right back. And I made sure they were around the bend before I started the Back to School and Mom is Soooooooo Happy Dance! Is 8am too early for a martini? Because I’ve got a little time to kill before I have to pick up the things I forgot on the supply list (what did I tell you about procrastination!). Cheers to the Class of 2021 and 2022!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Poop Happens...Everywhere
Our potty is possessed. Our lovely little pink princess throne potty that plays music when tinkled in is possessed. It is reminiscent of a train puzzle the boys had when they were little that was supposed to make classic train noises when completed. Instead, it made the noises when you turned off the lights. Really, EVERY night when you closed shop and turned off the lights before bed…choooooooo choooooooooooo!
The potty has been in various rooms (other than the bathroom of course) since we returned from our summer vacation and I realized that I had only 39 days before pre-school starts and our youngest was still in a pull-up. Judge me if you will, but when you are on the third kid there is NEVER a “good” time to start potty training, so naturally I put it off until I absolutely had to. This is my 8th straight year of changing diapers and as someone who never changed a diaper before having my own children, I am READY to end the madness and stop filling up the earth with Huggies and Pampers that will not disintegrate for 7 years (or is that the gum in my 6 year olds stomach?!?).
Back to the potty in need of an exorcism. Today, the potty started making its super cute (and not at all annoying) daa da da daaaaaaa whenever it felt like it. Seriously, it was taunting us over and over as if to mock our potty success (or lack thereof). And it IS mocking us because our darling daughter would prefer to pee ANY where BUT the potty most times. In one morning, she managed to pee in her undies, on the carpet in the living room and aaaaaallll along the hallway from the front door to the kitchen and then ran back through it, slipping and sliding the whole way. A pee Slip ‘n Slide if you will…good times. Now I would be remiss if I didn’t also share that later that morning she managed to go 4 TIMES in the potty in 1 HOUR…daa da da daaaaaaaaa! I don’t know where it all came from; girl must be hitting the apple juice hard (mmmmmmm Appletini). I will spare you the details of our progress in the OTHER area but let’s just say we are running at about 50% on #2’s. I wonder how long it takes for Cinderella undies to disintegrate in those landfills?!?
The potty has been in various rooms (other than the bathroom of course) since we returned from our summer vacation and I realized that I had only 39 days before pre-school starts and our youngest was still in a pull-up. Judge me if you will, but when you are on the third kid there is NEVER a “good” time to start potty training, so naturally I put it off until I absolutely had to. This is my 8th straight year of changing diapers and as someone who never changed a diaper before having my own children, I am READY to end the madness and stop filling up the earth with Huggies and Pampers that will not disintegrate for 7 years (or is that the gum in my 6 year olds stomach?!?).
Back to the potty in need of an exorcism. Today, the potty started making its super cute (and not at all annoying) daa da da daaaaaaa whenever it felt like it. Seriously, it was taunting us over and over as if to mock our potty success (or lack thereof). And it IS mocking us because our darling daughter would prefer to pee ANY where BUT the potty most times. In one morning, she managed to pee in her undies, on the carpet in the living room and aaaaaallll along the hallway from the front door to the kitchen and then ran back through it, slipping and sliding the whole way. A pee Slip ‘n Slide if you will…good times. Now I would be remiss if I didn’t also share that later that morning she managed to go 4 TIMES in the potty in 1 HOUR…daa da da daaaaaaaaa! I don’t know where it all came from; girl must be hitting the apple juice hard (mmmmmmm Appletini). I will spare you the details of our progress in the OTHER area but let’s just say we are running at about 50% on #2’s. I wonder how long it takes for Cinderella undies to disintegrate in those landfills?!?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Why do they call it The Garden State?
Like many of you this summer, the Martini Family enjoyed the annual family vacation to the beach. Destination...the Jersey Shore! Being a lifetime Midwestern girl, my only experience with the state of New Jersey comes from MTV and various not so great movies so I was super excited to put it mildly. They also call New Jersery the Garden State but other than some flora scattered at the roadside gas stop I am not sure where the title comes from. Oh, and speaking of the gas stop, you cannot pump your own gas in Jersey, not even to fill a little can for your lawnmower. It is a full service state people. Which brings me to...
1. Snookie and “The Sitch” don’t live anywhere NEAR where we stayed in Sea Isle City. I am not sure if I am upset or grateful about this.
2. Theresa (“I always live within my means”) and Danielle (“She pulled out my extension!”) and the rest of the Real Housewives live nowhere NEAR where we stayed either!!! I was totally counting on hanging out with them (and by that I mean stalking them).
3. Is YOUS (as is Hey Yous Guys!) REALLY a word???
4. While driving has its advantages, 15 ½ hours in a car with 3 kids and 1 husband is a LONG freakin’ time.
5. People should refrain from telling me about local marine life until AFTER I have been to the beach (not while I am covered in critters). What is the harm in letting a person think tiny little LIVE clams are tiny little shells?
6. People who live near an ocean (or are smarter than me, like Captain Joe) can explain the tides MUCH better than my Midwestern (and ignorant) brain can. To be honest, the kids WERE ok with my “the water goes up, the water goes down” explanation at first, Joe.
7. You will always take a piece of the free salt water taffy and then it will sit in the car, where it will get all melty and you’ll curse it and throw it away. Does ANYone reaaaaally like saltwater taffy??
8. It is really very easy to trip on the wonky boards of the boardwalk, that’s all I’m sayin’.
9. There is a little something for everyone at the Ocean City Boardwalk (including a good laugh for anyone passing by when the woman from Chicago tripped ever so gracefully)…is this really a good thing??
10. When you’re ready to scream and the vodka in the freezer starts to appeal to you at breakfast , bribery is a FANtastic way to get through a long family vacation. “A daily bribe makes for a much smoother ride” is my vaca motto.
11. You can never lean TOO far the other way when the wave runner is tipping.
12. Kids don’t want a “souvenir” to fondly recall their days at the shore (can you really call a hermit crab a souvenir anyway??). They want the same exact sh** they can buy at any one of the bajillion ToysRUs’ you inevitably passed on the hellish million hour drive to your fantastic vacation. The sooner you get over it and just buy them the freakin’ Webkin the happier everyone will be.
13. What you saved by not flying (for SURE it’s not your sanity) you spent on bribes, the Fudgy Wudgy man, $10 rides at the Boardwalk and t-shirts for the whole family (ps. I LOVE my new overpriced purse!).
14. On the way home, when everyone is tired and crabby from a long week at the beach, split the drive in half. That way, you can learn just how long 8 hours in a car with 3 overtired kids and 1 overtired husband and 1 total byotch Mom can be – TWICE.
15. Make the ride home more fun by playing the VW game (Red One!) because at this point, having a legitimate reason to punch each other is AWESOME!
There’s always a lot of crap to complain about on vacation (which I did for sure) but we always seem to pack up the mini and do it all over again the next summer… ROCK ON!!!…JERSEY SHORE 2010!!! WHOO HOO!!!!!!...the memories will last (and by that I mean scar us) forever.
Things I Learned on Our Family Vacation to the Jersey Shore
1. Snookie and “The Sitch” don’t live anywhere NEAR where we stayed in Sea Isle City. I am not sure if I am upset or grateful about this.
2. Theresa (“I always live within my means”) and Danielle (“She pulled out my extension!”) and the rest of the Real Housewives live nowhere NEAR where we stayed either!!! I was totally counting on hanging out with them (and by that I mean stalking them).
3. Is YOUS (as is Hey Yous Guys!) REALLY a word???
4. While driving has its advantages, 15 ½ hours in a car with 3 kids and 1 husband is a LONG freakin’ time.
5. People should refrain from telling me about local marine life until AFTER I have been to the beach (not while I am covered in critters). What is the harm in letting a person think tiny little LIVE clams are tiny little shells?
6. People who live near an ocean (or are smarter than me, like Captain Joe) can explain the tides MUCH better than my Midwestern (and ignorant) brain can. To be honest, the kids WERE ok with my “the water goes up, the water goes down” explanation at first, Joe.
7. You will always take a piece of the free salt water taffy and then it will sit in the car, where it will get all melty and you’ll curse it and throw it away. Does ANYone reaaaaally like saltwater taffy??
8. It is really very easy to trip on the wonky boards of the boardwalk, that’s all I’m sayin’.
9. There is a little something for everyone at the Ocean City Boardwalk (including a good laugh for anyone passing by when the woman from Chicago tripped ever so gracefully)…is this really a good thing??
10. When you’re ready to scream and the vodka in the freezer starts to appeal to you at breakfast , bribery is a FANtastic way to get through a long family vacation. “A daily bribe makes for a much smoother ride” is my vaca motto.
11. You can never lean TOO far the other way when the wave runner is tipping.
12. Kids don’t want a “souvenir” to fondly recall their days at the shore (can you really call a hermit crab a souvenir anyway??). They want the same exact sh** they can buy at any one of the bajillion ToysRUs’ you inevitably passed on the hellish million hour drive to your fantastic vacation. The sooner you get over it and just buy them the freakin’ Webkin the happier everyone will be.
13. What you saved by not flying (for SURE it’s not your sanity) you spent on bribes, the Fudgy Wudgy man, $10 rides at the Boardwalk and t-shirts for the whole family (ps. I LOVE my new overpriced purse!).
14. On the way home, when everyone is tired and crabby from a long week at the beach, split the drive in half. That way, you can learn just how long 8 hours in a car with 3 overtired kids and 1 overtired husband and 1 total byotch Mom can be – TWICE.
15. Make the ride home more fun by playing the VW game (Red One!) because at this point, having a legitimate reason to punch each other is AWESOME!
There’s always a lot of crap to complain about on vacation (which I did for sure) but we always seem to pack up the mini and do it all over again the next summer… ROCK ON!!!…JERSEY SHORE 2010!!! WHOO HOO!!!!!!...the memories will last (and by that I mean scar us) forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)