The Jimmy Kimmel Show - Episode 3

I am behind a bit on the Bachelor Blog so I am going to condense Episode 3 into it's key points.  kind of like a top ten list.  Perhaps the top 10 reason why you should or shouldn't watch the Bachelor, depending on how you feel about horrible, brainless, reality TV.

1.  Chris Soules is so very boring, ABC had to bring on someone funny (cue Jimmy Kimmel) to carry the show...and it's only episode 3.

2.  Not only is Chris really boring, he talks without moving his lips and laughs like a little girl. 

3.  Date 1...one on one with Kaitlyn, she likes beef and whiskey, laughs like a man, will put out in the fantasy suite and SWEARS she won't be mad if he sleeps with everyone else in the fantasy suite.  Kickin' the tires, you know.  Although she really may be a man, serving steak and pot stickers together for dinner???  She gets a rose and then gets in a hot tub (of course) for a make out sesh with Chris while Jimmy watches eating afore mentioned pot stickers.  Anyone else notice a lack of bubbles?  Luke warm, bubble less hot tubs suck.  Kiss #1.

4.  Date #2 the Hoe Down Throw Down group date with Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy (there is Tracy?), McKenzie, Kelsey, Ashley S., Juelia (Gulia...The Wedding Singer?), Samantha, Nikki, Carly and Amber.  This is a race with the most ridiculous activities related to farming ever.  I am a little embarrassed anyone would do this to spend 5 minutes with a guy, 276 other women are dating.  But it's also really funny to watch.  Corn shucking, egg gathering and cracking, goat milking (watch out or you will get the boy), goat milk chugging (I threw up a little), shoveling poop and greased pig catching.  Carly is lactose intolerant but determined to win at any cost.  Jillian wears a "Stay Classy" t-shirt while a black bar covers her overexposed rear and lady bits.  Kelsey says goat's milk straight from the teat is salty and warm and tastes like protein (bom chicky bom bom).  Amber wants none of that in her mouth...and I believe that's why she gets cut later (spoiler alert!).  Jillian jumps a 12 foot fence in a single bound ala the Bionic women giving up the 6,287th view of her ass but Carly grabs a pig lickitty split to win the whole thing!   Carly does a very odd celebration dance and gets to dress up with Chris for a picture.  American Gothic, of course and of course none of the girls knows what that is.  Oy.  I can't wait for that goats milk to kick in later on the date.  At the cocktail party, Carly jumps in to take Chris aside..."you are a man and I am a woman and I want to take advantage of that."  awkward intro to kiss.   Kiss #2.  Amber and Chris slow dance to no music.  Kiss #3.  Jillian attacks Chris with her mouth.  Kiss #4.  Becca has alone time but won't kiss Chris, because she doesn't want to rush things.  Does she know she is on a show where you get engaged in like 8 days?!?!?  Best moment of the whole night is when McKenzie asks "remember how we kissed?" and "why are you kissing everyone else?".  Crickets as Chris tries to answer.  Better when McKenzie replays the convo to the other girls (because she is like 14) and worries Chris hates her.  OMG!!!  Becca nabs the rose.

5.  Date 3 a one on one with Whitney who cries when she gets the date card she is so happy.  Gak.  I watch the Bachelor with my daughter, who is 7 (I know, I know, bad mommy) and at this point she says..."Whitney has a voice that gets really annoying.", I completely agree.  They go to a winery...maybe it's Ben Flaniks???  Chris explains "roll the cob" to Whitney.  Who takes it a step further and suggests they crash a wedding.  Which is totally planned from the get go so is really stupid how they hem and haw and Chris thinks they may go to jail.  Yes Chris, they put wedding crashers in prison.  Considering Chris has been at the wrong end of the long arm of the law, one would thing he would know better how to land yourself in the clink (drunk and disorderly anyone?!?).  They dance horribly (which Whitney LOVES!), lie their way through the evening (which Chris really loves) and he seems genuinely smitten with Whitney and her Mickey Mouse voice.  I just don't get it but what do I know.  Rose plus kiss #5.

6.  Jimmy and Chris shower together, washing each others backs.  I am both creeped out and amused. 

7.  No cocktail party...POOL PARTY!  Because Jimmy Kimmel has kind of been a pig through the whole episode, this is no surprise.  Ashley I is horrified.  She was excited to do her "Kardashian look" at the cocktail party and is pissed she has to wear the look to a pool party.  I totally get it A!  Juelia has a super heavy moment with Chris talking about her husbands suicide.  It was very sad, she is sorry she cried and I had a hard time focusing with her Zanadu headband on.  Why is everyone wearing headbands across their foreheads now?  Ashley I was in "super finding Chris mode", got frustrated with dividing up alone time with Chris, cries (again) and walks away pouting.  Britt tries talking and gets shut down with Chris' lips.  Kiss #6.  Jillian with her blacked out butt wait FOREVER in the hot tub for awkward convo and Kiss #8.  She waits so long because Jade gets Kiss #7 in his bed after touring his hacienda.  Megan, Ashley I and McKenzie, who have a combined maturity level of an 11 year old girl are acting like idiots trying to fairly divide up alone time with Chris.  This stupid conversation actually takes more time than any of them get with Chris but this doesn't seem to bother any of them.  When Ashley I does get her time she babbles like an idiot, Chris totally doesn't get it and then she eats him alive.  No wait, that was a kiss.  Kiss #9. 

8.  Rose ceremony!  I am looking at these girls and there are still ones I don't even recognize...hm.  Ashley I makes crazy faces because she is the last to get a rose and she TOLD HIM not to do that to her!!!  Rose getters are Whitney, Becca, Jade, Samantha, Juelia, McKenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S. (wth?!?!), Nikki, Jillian and Ashley I.  Bye Byers are Amber and two girls whose names I don't know.  Really.

9.  My list ends here...until next week.  I will watch so you don't have to!

Episode 2...Tractors and Zombies and Hairy Behinds, Oh My!

Hoodies should always be zipped above the nipple line...just sayin'.

Are you ready to dissect this weeks dramatic (aren't they all Chris Harrison?) and tear filled (I see an awesome marketing opportunity for a waterproof mascara here Maybelline) episode?  I certainly am, so let's begin.

Last week ended with a cliff hanger named Kimberly.  A yoga instructor from Long Island who pleaded her case with Chris for a second chance...and GOT IT!  While this was going on, all the women were bitching up a storm with their roses.  Until Chris returns with Kimberly and they all smile and clap.  What would the Bachelor be without a gaggle of two faced, catty ladies to make the show worth watching?!?!?  She should have drawn a target on the back of her bandage dress because haters gonna hate K!


She just wasn't ready to go...spoiler alert!  She does anyway.
 

But not before getting this one for the scrapbook back home.

Commercial Break!!!  And probably the best thing about this episode...there is a new SpongeBob movie coming out!  Yay!  I can pretty much sum up any situation in life with a Seinfeld, Friends or SpongeBob quote...proudly.  I can own it.  I love that little yellow sponge.  Now back to the show.


I heart SpongeBob.

First date, group date.  Jade, Mackenzie, Kimberly, Tara, Ashley I and Tandra get to put on their bikinis for a pool party.  Chicken fight!!!  Aaaaan Kimberly gives Chris a succulent as a symbol of their growing feelings.  Have you ever had a succulent?  They grow very, very slowly.


Spoiler alert!  A foreshadowing of things to come...or go.

Meanwhile, back at the house...the women have learned that Chris is living RIGHT DOWN THE DRIVEWAY!!!  This is like throwing a big steak to a junkyard dog people.  There are 528 women vying for 1 guy!  Megan and Jillian break in, because of course they do!  Two things of note on their spying mission...Jillian has her who ha and her heinie blacked out and Megan (is anyone home in there?) puts on a helmet and bangs her head into things.  The wall, the fridge, the table, you name it.  To make sure it works.  Yes, she did.  Now if she had ran her helmeted head into the blacked out buns of Jillian the whole thing would have been much funnier.  I mean that girl is solid as a rock! 

Sneaky AND scantily clad.

There are no words.

Meanwhile on the group date, the women parade down the streets of LA in bikinis.  For reals.  Apparently, Chris thought the walk would be a lot shorter than the mile plus...in a bikini...on the sidewalk...of a highway.  I can only hope there was enough thigh gap to stave off chaffing...ouch. 

Who loves a bikini parade?  This guy!!!  And everyone else driving down the 405 that day.

 A bikini parade to a tractor race!  Because...Prince Farming.  Every girl grab a tractor (not John Deere by the way...wha?!?!  Take his farmers card away!!!)  and sit your pretty little, still bikini clad butt down and get ready to race!  I may have seen it all now on the Bachelor...a bikini tractor race.  This may only come second to Juan Pablo's bikini poop fight in New Zealand.

Oh the memories...is this a European thing?!?!?

 Anywho, I digress again.  Back to the tractor race...

Yeah, this happened in LA.

Ashley I.
"I am a little more Kardashian than country."
Indeed.

Ashley I. is the winner and get's five minutes alone, in a bikini on a tractor with Chris.  I wish I could say "winner winner chicken dinner!" but no, she is just cold on a tractor with everyone's boyfriend because Mackenzie gets to finish the date for dinner alone.  Chris and Mackenzie's date is probably one of the weirdest I have seen.  She tells him he has a big nose, which is a requirement for her and asks if he believes in aliens.  He says no, she says I don't know.  I wonder how many of the other girls believe in aliens.  I'm guessing a bunch.  It gets even more awkward when she hems and haws her way around it but finally blurts out "I have a kid!".  To which Chris, 12 YEARS HER SENIOR, says kids don't scare him.  21 year old, organic loving yet soybean ignorant, alien questioning but knows she loves a big nose girl trying to marry you should send you running.  Please be scared Chris, this one's a nut ball for sure.  I am doubting he sees her oddities because he loves kissing her on the date...maybe 4 or 5 times, which she describes (every one) in detail to the girls after going home.  Now that's how you make friends on the Bachelor!  21 going on 15 people.  I called it.  Still she gets a rose.

"Soybean?  Never heard of it, is it organic?"
Can't make this up.

Next date is with Megan.  She does not seem very bright (remember the helmets?) and everything is "Amazing" and "This is crazy" for Megan.  In her limited time (like an hour) with Chris she already knows he is amazing!  That's probably normal but after an hour with my husband all I knew for sure was that I thought he was cute and I might like to make out with him.  Also, she is absolutely 100% head over heels.  Oy.  She gets a rose.  Redeeming this ultra boring date is the first helicopter of the season...yay!  And some spectacular views of the Grand Canyon. 

"This is crazy amazing!"

Next group date includes Kelsey, Trina, Alyssa, Tracy, Jillian, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, Britt and Becca.  They all play zombie paintball.  Which sounds pretty freakin' awesome to me.  During the date Ashley S. is crazier than normal.  She makes no sense at all, keeps saying the zombie world looks like Mesa Verde, talks to angels in candles and keeps saying "hode on!", like hold on but with a bad cold.  After talking nonsense to Chris, she goes back to the house but not before roaming around on all fours talking to stray, likely feral cats.  Oh and Kaitlyn gets the rose.

The best part of this date was when Chris said "Holy Schnikes".  It is an underutilized gem when trying not to curse.  I love it.  Props to Chris.  Soules and Farley.

Back at the ranch, Jordan is totally hammered.  ALL THE TIME.  She wall twerks and says Jillian needs to take a weed whacker to her hairy tush.  Perhaps this explains the black lines over her nether regions during her spy mission.

Drunk wall twerking gone bad.  Is there any other way for it to go?

 We also learn that Juelia has a child and the father killed himself shortly after her birth.  I can't say anything about this.  It was so sad watching her tell the rest of the girls.  She seems very broken and I hope she is ok going through this season.  That's heavier than the Bachelor usually likes to go.  Wow.

On a lighter note...cocktail party!!!

Ashley I. and Mackenzie have a chat.  Ashley has never had a boyfriend and is a virgin.  Mackenzie is jealous...she says guys love virgins, so that and Ashley's hotness are sure to keep her on the show longer.  Mackenzi "can't even try to say she is a virgin since she has a kid!".  Again with the 21 going on 15.  Yikes.

Ashley I. goes on to have a chat with Chris.  She has a belly button piercing. Because in addition to thinking she's a little bit Kardashian, she likes to think of herself as Princess Jasmine.  Her belly button has a genie lamp in it.  Why not?  According to Ashley, Chris needs to rub it to get his three wishes.  Of course his first wish is a kiss, which is so open mouthed and tonguey I am pretty sure she swallowed his face for a moment while totally grossing me out.

 

Perhaps this is what ran through Ashley's head when sucking face with Chris?

Jordan is super sloppy drunk...again.  See the pattern?

Awkward.

Roses go to Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia, Amber, Jillian, Jade, Nicky, Becca, Carly, Whitney, Ashley S. (WTF?!?!?).  During the roses we cut to Debbie Downer and Mean Girl Tara who knocks Ashley I. for wearing to much make up (because that's how you should judge your wife) and Samantha and Tandra for being free riders who haven't put forth enough effort.  Tara rolls hers eyes and cries A LOT.  Which comes in handy when she DOES NOT get a rose and leaves, doing the ugly cry and moaning "I'll get used to rejection.  I am used to walking away empty handed and this will haunt me for the rest of my life.".  Me thinks he dodged a crazy bullet on that one.  Best part of the rose ceremony goes to the moment when Chris calls JUELIA and Jillian steps forward (not Juelia) and then trips on the carpet, letting out the most uncomfortable cackle/laugh!  Going to get NOT HER ROSE!  I will admit, Thing 1 and I watched this over and over about four times...it was awesome.

Whoooaaaaaaa...

She's down!  Aaaaaand cackle.

I don't even know who this girl is but I like what she's sayin'.

                                                      
Kiss Count


Mackenzie Kiss #1 but 1 of many on the date. 

Megan Kiss #2 and I bet it was AMAZING!

Kaitlyn #3

Britt #4

Ashley I. #5 in a moment she swallows his head whole.

Amber #6 wanted to kiss him so hard.

Jordan #7 kiss thwarted by drunken awkwardness.

Next week Jimmy Kimmel shows up.  This had me thinking what does Jimmy Kimmel have to do with the Bachelor?  And then my lovely friend Dina sent this to me today. Like the cherry on top of my blog sundae.  Because all episodes of the Bachelor need gratuitous shower scenes.  Thanks Dina!

Until next time!

 

Who is Willing to Live in Arlington, Iowa (pop. 8 old men and The Bachelor) for Cash and 10 Seconds of Fame (until they break up months later)?



I'm here to PUMP, you up!

He's baaaaaaack!  Chris Soules, 33 year old farmer in the dell from extreeeeeeemly rural Iowa is the newest Bachelor.  I am really excited to see what kinds of shenanigans we are in store for...Chris seems super Prince Charmingish (despite his crappy location, he IS a bajillionaire farmer) but I think there is a bad boy side we have yet to see.  All the better to bring out the crazy in the ladies vying for his roses.  Speaking of crazy, shall we?



Her face stays this way THE WHOLE TIME.

 Ashley S...Onion girl.  Me thinks this one is truly bat sh$# cray cray.  I don't know what was going on with her, over medicated?  When asked why she is still single you can't beat her answer..."Because I'm f-ing crazy!"  Previews to next week show her a little hammered begging for a make out sesh.  I think this is gonna be a BIG kissing season...since it started on the first night!  But I digress, let's get back to being hammered...

Bottoms up girlfriend!

 Tara, sport fishing enthusiast and her best friends Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker and Jose Cuervo.  Hollering for a Jameson on the rocks upon arrival.  She also showed up in daisy dukes and cowboy boots.  I am really looking forward to seeing what this one will bring to the table.  Like tequila, salt and limes. 

A self proclaimed virgin with a healthy libido?!?!

 Ashley L. is gorgeous, never had a boyfriend and a virgin.  I get that the show was probably really excited to get a virgin in the line up but NEVER had a boyfriend as marriage material???  I think they missed the mark on this one but it will be a hot story line to be sure.  Previews show Mackenzie (I will get to HER later) being so very jelly of her virgin status and predicting her taking home the final rose for this reason alone. 

Lay off the Aussie Sprunch Spray girl.

 Mackenzie...21 and it shows.  She brings to the table a child she must have had shortly after getting her drivers license.  She acts all of 15 and is cursed with really bad hair.  She does not know what a soybean is but she named her son after an iron rich leafy green.  Good for a smoothie?  Definitely.  A name?  I am not a fan, the name or the not so bright girl.

NOT Jillian but you get the idea.

Jillian is a muscley gal who likes to flex.  She does pull ups while holding a metal file cabinet between her thighs.  Enough said.

WWE or WTF?

 Another buff one is Brittany, a wrestler from Florida (oh Florida) because she will totally be a great fit for a farmer in rural Iowa.  Maybe if she is willing to change her career path to include pigs and mud or ladies in jello.  I vote for jello wrestling based on the lingerie she wore as a dress, WITH matching white lacey wrist cuffs.

To good to be true or gonna get good???

 Brit gets the first impression rose and a make out sesh on the first night!  Gasp!  Shocking!ish.  She likes to wait tables and give out free hugs and seems too good to be true.  My limited research says this is likely to be the case so stay tuned for Brits crazy to come out.



No just no.

 There is a cruise ship singer that is just too PINK and must go.  Oh Carly.

Bringing the fun back to human cadaver sales...one body part at a time!

 Reegan sells human tissue.  I have no words.

I'm pretty sure there are no pigs on his farm.  Oops!  Can I introduce you to Google?

 Nicole came out of the limo with a pig nose on.  Because farming. 

Electric Boogaloo 3???

 "Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?  Because he was looking for a tight seal."

A joke that Megan from Nashville did not understand, told by Kaitlyn who came out of the limo guns a blazin'.  "You can plow my f-ing field anytime".  She also gave him a break dancing lesson.  All that was missing was a flattened cardboard box to perform on and it would have been a scene straight out of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.  I am not kidding, I couldn't make this stuff up.

If this was a video you would be unable to watch...that voice!

Whitney, representing.  A fertility nurse from Chicago.  Someone please turn her voice off!!!  Ahhhh!!!  She likens what she does for women in the Windy City to inseminating hogs on a farm.  I'm calling it both kinda insulting and a big stretch.  Extremely judgey of the other girls drinking...see face above.  Please make her stop talking.

I worry they may pop right out of her head!

 Finally, Amanda, the real crazy eyes from Lake in the Hills, IL.  Normally this would excite me but then we get to know her.  Aside from seriously crazy eyes, she is a pageant girl turned ballet instructor who lives at home and let's her mom cook and clean for her.  I'm thinking a wife she is not.  Child yes, wife no. 

There you have it!  Roses went to Kaitlyn, Jade, Samantha, Ashley, Sandra, Nicky, Kelsey, Megan, Alyssa, Amber, Julia, Becca, Trina, Mackenzie, Tracey, Tara, Jordan, Jillian, Whitney, Carly and Ashley.  Maybe more, I was getting bored by this time.  Losers were Amanda, who cried, Kara, who called herself a little servant and what would she do now? and Kimberly.

Kimberly comes back and asks for another shot at a rose...dum dum duuuuuuum...cliff hanger until next episode!  Stay tuned!  I'll be back after another "most dramatic" episode ever on the "journey" of the Bachelor! 

Stooooooooop Saying Stoooooooop Already or Is Epic the New Journey?

As we head into Week 2 the first thing that strikes me is this...in a ginormous, beautiful LA mansion do they really not have enough rooms that they have to stack these guys up in bunk beds, dorm style at least 6 to a room?  I know for certain when it is a room full of women the closeness adds to the cray cray but in my experience, a lot of men in one room only leads to stink.  Not drama, just stinky boy room ickiness. 

Eric (the super cutie patootie who has tragically died since being on the show) got the first one on one date.  Aaaaaaand cue the first helicopter!  Aaaaaaand cue the classic dramatic soaring music to accompany the helicopter ride!  I love not ever being surprised by this franchise.  They play at the beach and head to the mountains to ski...in the same day...sand and snow...IT WAS EPIC!  Or so they said, a lot.  I am afraid that epic is the new journey.  You know what else Andi said a lot...and by a lot I mean I think I counted it 2,467 times???  Stooooooop.  You have been on a helicopter before?  Stooooooop.  You had a harrowing experience in Syria (amazing story BTW)?  Stoooooooop.  You are a way better snowboarder that I ever will be?  Stoooooop.  Please Andi, I beg of you, get a new "thing"!  Or at least mix it up with a "shut up!" or a "No way!" or a classic "OMG!".  Aaaaaaaanything to make it stoooooooop! 
This date was quite sweet and your heart breaks knowing what an amazing guy Eric is and that he is no longer chasing adventure on this earth.  Really, really sad. 

Group date shenanigans ensue.  Craig is the leader of the whole crazy pack, throwing out an "I love her!" in his interview.  Slow your roll dude, it's only been 10 minutes.

Even though Andi was so uncomfortable with her nude photo shoot during JPG's season that she almost didn't do it, she decided that everyone else should have to feel the overwhelming sense of dread at performing (read stripping) LIVE...'cuz it's for charity yo!  So they did...with spray tan...and baby oil...and marble bags (not my words but I'm keeping them in the bank for later!).  It was delightful and incredibly uncomfortable all at the same time. 

Later there was a cocktail party and Craig got loaded.  And by loaded I mean OFF HIS ARSE stinkin' makin' no sense swimming in his clothes hammered.  Watching him was like watching a really bad, drunk Tommy Boy imitation.  He asked Andi what the worst thing about her parents is.  Which made me think he might still live in his parents basement and was gonna reply with something like "I know, mine NEVER let me have girls over in my room!".  It was sad and kinda awesome.

Chris the Farmer gets the next one on one.  He has declared Andi "The Most Amazing Woman on the Planet!" but I am guessing his frame of reference is limited in that he is a farmer from Iowa.  So they get all dressed up and Chris says, "I feel like I'm in Pretty Woman right now!"...like you feel like a hooker that wins her man?!?!  Aaaaaand cue the first private concert.  Dancing and kissing ensue and if this doesn't work out I know exactly where to send Chris.

At the Rose Ceremony cocktail party Craig tries to redeem himself by horribly singing a really bad song he made up himself.  It is hard to watch and you already know where he is headed...the bad songwriting is on the wall.

Andi sends Carl (who looked like he was about to puke the whole rose ceremony) the only ACTUAL hot fireman (not the stripper pretend ones) home (WHAT?!?) and Nick S. who I think is a very short, professional golfer with bad facial hair (sorta like this)

and Craig (SHOCKER!  Not!) because she just couldn't get past his frat boy ways.  Awwwww sorry not sorry. 

Until next time...I will watch so you don't have to!

The Boys are Back! Or Andi's 16-30 Minutes of Fame!

She's baaaack!  Americas or at the very least the Bachelor Nations favorite southern frowny faced prosecutor (I put the bad guys away!) is hitting Chris Harrison up for 25 more men.  Does anyone else find it ironic (I never know if I  using that word right) that we all hailed Andi the MOST awesome Bachelorette on JPG's season because she was smart and had a great (read actual) career (compared to most of the Hooter's girls) and at the first opportunity to extend her 15 minutes she chucks her job to become the Bachelorette?!?!  Just throwin' that out there.

Let me get this out of the way so we can get to dishin' on the men.  Top three things that annoy me about Andi...1.  She always sounds like she needs Sudafed.  So stuffy!!!  2.  She says ya'll...a lot.  Like more than journey.  But it would make a great drinking game.  3.  She has a super frowny face.  When not smiling this girl looks like the love child of the Joker and Debbie Downer.  Wah wah waaaah.

So the men.  Meh.  Does anyone doubt that half of them are better suited for the next Bachelor?  I'm talking to you JJ the pantsepreneur on his "love quest".  I think I would have preferred journey.   There's a farmer who doesn't stand a chance.   Brett the hairstylist who brought a stolen hotel lamp.  Wha???  Emil which is pronounced anal with an m...his words, not mine.  Mine are yuck, really and the f dude?  Hot black Marquel who brought cookies...schwing!  Bradley the opera singer.  Long hair lovers Mike, Jason (I am a doctor, you must have a fever cuz you are hot!  For reals ladies.), Stoked Steven.  Andrew who is way too confident for his face and Patrick who brought a soccer ball.  These two had a quick bromance brewing and decided they were much higher caliber than the rest...so excited to see how that pans out for them!  Girls totally love guys who think they are better than everybody else!  And Chicago's best (God I hope not!) Nick V. with an unfortunate white man fro and Cody...a beefy bohunk personal trainer who pushed the limo up the driveway in a feat of strength.  Cue the ladies swooning...or not.  Lookin' like a tool in a white v neck Hanes under a jacket with the collar standing up.  Talking in some sort of jivey, Diego , don't know why you talk like that when no one else from Chicago does lingo.  Wow. Is that really how we represent???  There were others...so much metro and bad facial hair.  But Andi has a good feeling ya'll...her husband is in the mix!!!

First impression rose and most backhanded compliment (?) ever went to Nick V. and his fro yo!  Because he is completely NOT the kind of guy Andi would EVER go for!  So please accept this rose.

In a suspiciously scripted moment (I can't believe they would DO that!) Chris from Emilie's season showed up with...wait for it...roses! and begged to be on the show.  He got to spend a lot of time with security but none with Andi.  He looked like a tool and has since cried "the producers made me do it!".

In the end we lost all the long locked men.  Anal, I mean Emil (you just don't ever rebound from that introduction do you Emil?) Mike and Jason.  Rudie the lawyer and Josh B.  Josh B. turned into a pissed off toddler while stomping out of the mansion and went on a glorious rant calling it all just stupid and turns out he is a giant jackhole.  Dodged a bullet there Andi.

Until next time!  I will watch so you don't have to.

Tengo un calzoncillos...week 4

Translation:  I have a wedgie...the most interesting thing said this week on the Bachelor by little Miss Camilla.  Seriously.

Is it just me or is this the snooziest season ever?  I certainly hope I am not outgrowing the Bachelor...I feel like I just stopped watching The Real World (who am I kidding, the Ex-plosion was on last night!!!).  But for reals...with Clare acting cray cray and Nikki (aka Debbie Downer) and awkward Sharleen and Danielle (who is that girl?) all still going strong who can tell where this BOR-ing string of group dates and 1-on-1s are headed???

This week the group heads to South Korea (who may or may certainly have received promotional consideration).  News of the trip causes Clare to cry...crying count is at 3,298 (for Clare alone).  It also causes Elise to take 30 Xanax (oh wait, that's just her personality) and say something in her monotone, deadpan voice.  PS...if you haven't seen her in "Yule Log Hotties" you need to You Tube that right now!  She is glitteriffic and every bit the conservative first grade teacher she presents herself as.  I am also quite sure the rumors that she used to stalk and or hump "The Situation" are completely untrue.

The group date is (suprise!) a dance party!  Juan Papa really seems to like to get jiggy wit it a lot!  21...South Korea's Spice Girls pump up the jam while the girls are background dancers.  (Self proclaimed) professional and not at all over the top dancers Kat and Cassandra really go for it.  Chelsie is doe eyed as usual.  I think this girl has lived in a cardboard box up until this point.  Everything is so amazing, new and amazing!!!  Now that is a girl who could benefit from a Xanax or 20.  Kat brings the mood down a thousand notches talking about her alchoholic dad with an impressive 7 DUIs...wah wah wah.  Nikki turned into negative Nikki, whining and complaining her way through the day.  Elise mumbled about something unimportant but used the word impor-ant.  BIGGEST PET PEEVE WORD EVER!!!  Why do people drop the T?  AAaaaaaack!   Second only to realtor (not real-a-tor people...real-tor)!  End rant.

Insert gratuitious shower scene here...thank you ABC.

Juan-on-1 with Sharleen.  I am not sure we are all on the same date.  She was really thrilled with how things went but all I saw was awkward awkward awkward.  Apparantly, singing to a man (rather than a full opera house) is kid of like giving her flower away...she was a little uncomfortable putting it out there.  Like everything else.  Juan P asked how many kids she wants and she asks "me?"...or maybe he's asking the other totes awkward opera singer in the room?  Not to shock anyone but she is not maternal.  So JPG makes out with her...bites her a little bit and gives her a rose.

Second group date...group fish pedi!!!  Desperation, thy name is Clare.  When offered a nub of calamari, she went ape crazy and everyone was so proud (read annoyed) when she finally downed it.  Cue Kelly quote of the week..."...and I know you've swallowed bigger things than that."...we love her.  Juan P just says no to kissing for the night (but the count is at 6) to be a good role model to his kid.  Then just like the rest of us parents, hangs on to being a good role model until we screw it up.  He must really like Clare because he kisses her after she admits to throwing up the octopus (in her mouth) and swallowing it back down.  Who wouldn't want to make out after that!

Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle (who is she?), Cassandra, Alli (CHI town holla!  We heart calamari!), Clare and Kat get their roses.  Lauren, whose denied kiss made her and every other person watching cry and made "so so many mistakes" and Elise (bad bad ugly cry) got sent packing and had the looooooongest walk away from JPG ever, while they all stared.

Looks like Juan drops the rules on more than just kissing next week.  There MAY be more drama and it MAY involve Clare.  Until then.

El Bachelor Latino es aburrido...yawn.

In episode 3 of the Bachelor Juan P goes on more boring dates and sweet talks EVERY one.  I don't think there is a front runner in the bunch!  Yawn.  Boring.  Sooooooo to spice things up the press went ape poop over an interview JP did that turned out badly...so so badly.  When asked if he thought that ABC should have a gay or bisexual Bachelor, things went downhill...like arrriba arriba down hill.  He did mention he has many gay friends but is not so comfortable with the idea of two men living together raising children.  This is his opinion regardless of whether you like it.  Perhaps had he stopped here we would never have heard of the interview.  Buuuuuuuut he used the unfortunate word pervert to describe men together.  I am going to play devils advocate here and say I believe that he used that word in particular because English is his second language and not because he thinks the LGBT community is filled with perverts.  In his apology he said he meant racy...I think that's what he meant.  Have you seen Queer as Folk?  Have you seen Will and Grace?  There is a reason one is on cable.  I do not think that the ABC audience is ready for full on gay or bi men dating.  The required hot tub scenes would put many a housewife or dare I say husband (we know you watch too!) over the edge.  I realize my view may be unpopular but as I WAS an avid watcher of Queer as Folk I am comfortable with where I stand.  Feel free to let me know your thoughts!

Moving forward...Cassandra, single mother and former cheerleader got a Juan on One date.  He is going to fast track his single mothers so they can get back to mothering...so sweet.  Cassie is 21, has a 2 year old and hasn't been on a first date in 3 years...I suck at math but that adds up to...hmmmm...interesting.  Then she said she hadn't been on a first date in 3 years...and then she said it again...and then she said it again...she also said she hadn't felt this way about a man in 3 years (which is good to hear because a few dates after the first they had a baby.).  Me thinks she ought to kiss a few more frogs before she settles for her new baby daddy.

Group Date!!!  Soccer or shall we say futbol!  And then a cocktail party (of course!).  Nikki was denied a kiss and just when I thought he had put her in the friend zone he gives her the rose!  I did not see that coming but am delighted.  Team Nikki!!!  There was a very romantic make out session with Andi (who doesn't like to read) in the snack bar...who says romance is dead.  Followed by Andi's shock and dismay to see him making out 10 minutes later with Awkward Sharleen.  Now I think everything Sharleen does is super awkward but that kiss...ugh...the tongue...the shhh shhh shhh, now I kiss you.  Barf.  She also keeps referring to the word Mondo that he uses for her and says means worldly...she thinks it's beautiful and makes her feel wonderful but when I looked it up, Mondo, in Spanish (the primary language of Venezuela), means bare, picked clean, plain and simple...as in they picked the chicken clean.  I do not know why that makes me as happy as it does.

Back at the mansion, Elise and Chelsea wait to see who gets the next one on one and Elise starts a Chelsea bashing that continues while (surprise!) Chelsea gets the date.  Elise is certain baby Chelsea, who is a little girl and a baby and not ready for motherhood and who is JUST THREE YEARS YOUNGER THAN HER does not belong with JP.

One on One with Chelsea is a big snooze while we wait for her to jump from a bungee platform for about 17 hours!  In my head I pushed her like 17 times!  Juan P alternates between telling her to "do it for me" and "don't do it, I won't be mad" sending a wonderfully mixed message that is a metaphor for all new relationships...no wait, the trusting each other to just jump was the painful metaphor.  After hanging upside down and making out...duh...what else to do...they have dinner and a private concert!  Just in case you are counting, that's 2...in 3 episodes.

Pool party the next day takes the place of a cocktail party.  Which is awesome because where there are 15 girls in bikinis there is cattiness aplenty!  My favorite bitchy comment came from Kelly (yes, the dog still bothers me but she is growing on me) says of Kat (whose crotch was too close to JP's head for a little too long for her liking...chicken fights!), "There are 14 other girls here and you are a whore."  I may be switching to Team Kelly.  Inexplicable tears count...2...Sharleen cried to Juan P. and Clare locked herself in the bathroom and cried and everyone got roses.  Except for Lucy (shocker) and Kristi...ummmm who is she?  Has she been on the show the whole time?!?!?

Until next time...