Hola Bachelor fans! This week so so many women started their whirlwind courtship of Juan Pablo. First up...Clare with a 1 on 1 date (has that made it into Websters yet?) She is blindfolded (ala Christian Gray) and driven off in the first of many sports cars to come. I was kinda hoping she would get car sick but no such luck. Winter wonderland is the theme for their first date. They go sledding...they ice skate...they make snowmen...they go in the hot tub.....screeeeech! What the?!? Ah but it is el Bachelor and there will be no less than 25 hot tub scenes per season. I don't know about you but if I was on a first date, with a gorgeous Latin man, in a hot tub, I would...talk about my dead father (with plenty of crying of course) and while I don't mean to sound heartless, are you really leading with this??? On a first date??? As if this isn't already an AH-MAZING date...do my ears deceive me??? Nah...it's the first obligatory private concert by I am not sure who because I am distracted by Pablo and Clare dancing in their bathing suits. Seems a chill in the air, a whole lotta rubbin' and you have a recipe for a wardrobe malfunction or something..."like a frightened turtle" as Seinfeld would say.
Next up is Kat! On a private jet, headed to the Salt Lake City Electric Run because nothing says let's get to know each other like a 5K with a bazillion other people with blaring techno music. They danced the night away! I've got nothin'.
Group date!!! 13 lucky gals and 13 lucky dogs got together for a photo shoot. Lots of bikinis...a few hot dresses...some nudity (Lucy!)...a fire hydrant??? And one poor girl who looked covered in dog poo with a bald cap and white polka dots. Such a trouper that Kelly, who I don't want to like because she lets her dog swim in the pool at the mansion (gak!) but won my heart over when she replied to another gals complaint with a "Just wear the *%$ing fire hydrant and shut the *$%^ up!" while wiping a bit of brown goo from her cap. At the after party, Cassandra, 21 going on 14, like totally like tells Juan Pablo like that she has like a like son named Trey like at home that like is like almost like two year old. Chantels monotone voice makes me want to stick a hot poker in my ears. Renee was totally dissed with no kiss, hard as she tried. And Kelly gets the rose for looking so cute in her poop suit. Enter...Victoria...who may or may totally have been over served. I really like her musings on life..."That's what life is about...straddling people and things" and "I gave him the hymen maneuver" (said more than once for good measure). Then she went on a bizarre over the legal limit rant and raved like a lunatic and cried oh so so much crying. Juan Pablo can not talk her down and so he leaves...and sends her packing the next morning. I think he and Camila dodged a cray cray bullet on that one fo sho.
On to a relatively uneventful rose ceremony. Sharleen apologized for being awkward while being awkward and did someone say TOGA! cuz that wrappy naked dress really fit the bill. Amy was really annoying speaking about herself in the third person while interviewing JP...surprise, she is a news gal looking for her big break! Cassandra cries because someone HAS to! And in a stunning twist, I noticed Elise somehow repurposed the golden sparkly bust section of her "exit the limo dress" into her "2nd rose ceremony dress"...which I find refreshing and resourceful but I think there are Bachelor laws prohibiting that sort of thing. Adios Amy...Adios Chantal (please don't use your Conair bun maker kit again).
Wrapping up with a preview of Catherine and Sean's upcoming televised wedding extravaganza which kinda made me want to wretch a little. I am not a fan of Catherine, the grown ass woman in a child's mind bride. So I am not surprised to see her giggle like a 12 year old when opening lingerie at her wedding shower. However, did we really have to take a tour of the wedding night suite where she refers to the four poster bed as "the consummation station"?!?!?!? Ick! Look, I love that you decided to wait for the big day but yuck yuck yuck Catherine, grow up already!!! Until next week!
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