1. Renee threw the “I have a kid too” card right out the gate. She is 32 (I counted at least 4 ladies over 30 which HAS to be some sort of record) and looks a little rode hard if you know what I’m sayin’. She is from Florida and lots of crazy people are from FL (seriously…Google it), so fingers crossed on this one.
2. Clare, also over 30, played the race card claiming to be part Mexican. I’m not sure which part but I think it must be the implants she got for a steal in Tijuana on Spring Break. I do feel for her having lost her father and I feel that DVD may surface at some point during the season with disastrous results. However, there is no excuse for showing up with a fake baby bump and no real joke to go with it. Simply, I am over 30 and really want to have babies…Marry Me! I will! Said no single guy ever.
3. Lucy (in the sky with diamonds and a bad attitude and dirty feet) was in my top 3 crazies for this season. She is a “free spirit” with “no home” (read unemployed and homeless) but instead of being sweet like her hippy headband and fairy dress imply, she is bossy and has no boundaries and while I don’t think she has a chance, I think she will be (a) great (train wreck) to watch.
4. Amy J. (also over 30…starting to see a pattern here) the orgasmic massage therapist. I kind of felt uncomfortable listening to her devour Juan Pablo during the most awkward oily over the clothes inappropriately timed massage ever. I was relieved AND disappointed to see her go.
5. Andi the Prosecutor. I am actually pleased to see a super hot AND smart woman who seems to have her act together on the show. As I was typing the last sentence I realize how unrealistic that seems and look forward to learning what particular brand of crazy Andi subscribes to that she finds herself looking for love on the Bachelor. You just know something is up there. Important to note…during her little bio piece where she talks about how pretty she is and how surprised people are that she is a prosecutor…and pretty. I thought I had turned on Cinemax after 10pm (don’t act like you don’t know) watching the dorky defense attorney ogle at the hot prosecutor in the tight bun and even tighter pencil skirt…barf.
6. Lauren H. Dumped over the phone during her engagement to a man with a kid. I don’t even know where to go with that one. I did however; enjoy watching her insecurities make her unravel in front of our very eyes within the first 30 minutes of her journey (ack! There’s that word!). Note to self…make sure you aren’t an ugly crier before crying (A LOT!) on national TV. I do hope she will be able to “start over” after her ah-mazing 10 minutes with Juan Pablo.
7. Charleen…the Canadian opera singer from Germany. I am befuddled by this one people. Juan Pablo seemed quite smitten by this classy kitten. Her social awkwardness was painful to watch. The long pauses, the lack of interest in AMERICA’S HOTTEST BACHELOR!, the overall “one of these things does not belong in this picture”-ness about her. I see from the previews she is sticking around a while but I just do not get it. Did she keep calling him Sir or was I hearing things?
8. Kylie from Rockford. Wah wah waaaaaah. That wasn’t awkward or anything when she stepped forward to claim the rose for KAAAAAAAT not KYYYYYYYYlie. She was like, OMG! I’m gonna die! Can’t you pick me anyway? and Juan Pablo was like uh, no. Couldn’t have written it better myself!!! Awesome!
9. Running out of places so Imma gonna lump a few together. I was winded watching Lauren pedal her piano bike up the mountain to the mansion (did you notice there were a crap ton of Weight Watchers commercials during this episode?!?). Chelsie the science teacher should stick to teaching instead of comedy. Valerie the farm girl who wants you to know she’s pretty. Sparkly Elise looked straight off the pageant circuit. Ashley had the worst voice ever but fortunately was also a low talker. Maggie likes to fish (I like to show at a guys house with a lure). Molly, no wait that’s her dog, came with Kelly, or is that the dog…aaaaand who cares.
10. Saved the best for last! Team Nikki! Nikki is a nurse, a baby nurse. She is smokin’ hot and takes care of kids. She is smart and cute and made Juan Pablo swoon. I am hoping out of all the crazies he picks this one.
I’m going to be honest and tell you that part of Juan Pablo’s appeal (to me) last season was that he was only shown sporadically on the show. An entire show…where he speaks a lot and goes on every date might make him less appealing. Oh who am I kidding, I will get a little bored, he will take off his shirt or have a gratuitous shower scene aaaaaaand problem solved!
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