Two Girls, Some More Porn and a Russian Spy

You may already be aware that the 2012 break out Mommy porn star of the year, 50 Shades of Grey, is not my favorite book. Which isn't to say I didn't read every last poorly written word of all three books in the series...in about 72 hours. Of course, being erotica, it is kinda hot (albeit in a cheesy kind of way) and poorly, oh so poorly written (in a poorly written kind of way). But really, when housewives are looking to step it up from Danielle Steele and read the dirty details about what happens AFTER he pushes her gently down onto the bed (or not so gently, as the case may be), I doubt any of us expected literary magic. So naturally, when my GF suggested we listen to the audio book on our weekend road trip to MN, I said abso-porny-lutely! Surely a dramatic reading of the shadiest book to hit the best sellers list in a long time would be WAY HOT, right? W.R.O.N.G. And this is where 50 Shades went horribly, horribly awry.

Truth be told, this was my first experience with an audio book so I was all kinds of nervous, much like Ms. Steele before she became acquainted with Mr. Grey's "favorite and most cherished part of his body" (yeah, I couldn't make this sh** up).   My GF is in the business of voice overs and let me know that the reader would use different voices to distinguish between characters...makes sense. So I assumed (you know where that usually gets you) the reader would be skilled at creating different voices...makes sense. She totally sucked at it...makes.total.sense.   I'll share few of the highlights...Kate Kavanagh sounding like the girls working at the Gap in a classic SNL sketch..."OH MY GOD Becky...cinch it!".  Christian Grey sounding very much like you would expect any female reader would sound like trying to sound like a man, she just lowers her voice...which would work if she wasn't reading things like "feel me" and "I'd like to give you a good hiding".  Then, it just sounds silly (and by that I mean sillier than it already sounds). And last, but certainly worst, is the accent used for the character Jose Rodriguez...somewhat Hispanic at first and then alternating between a little bit Hispanic and a whole lotta Russian spy...awesome. And did I mention that in the book, Ms. Steele is about to graduate college in 2011 without having a computer, an e-mail account, a serious kiss (that's with tongue people), any feelings of desire for a man whatsoever and not only is a virgin, she has never fooled around with a man AT ALL (Mr. Grey was kind enough to show her how to give a handy). Combine the preposterous story line, horrible writing and bad narrating and you create the perfect storm...for mockery...and lots of it. To make it more interesting, my GF and I treated it much like Mystery Science Theater 3000 (a personal favorite) and mocked the crap out of it. In the end, it was a great time, with a great friend and made the drive time pass quickly...mission accomplished.

Having been disappointed with the books and the audio books I am really concerned for the movie (but you know I'll be watching it opening weekend!). I hope they understand the importance of visual stimulation for women and don't cast a Josh Hutcherson when clearly this part calls for a Liam Hemsworth. Seriously though, if the Princess can make it to her college graduation having no idea what a penis looks like (and in my head she will), let alone having never been seriously kissed (what a shame)...I will personally send a letter of apology to the author for dissing her book so much.

The Princess and The Chainsaw...a Tale of Motherhood

Let me start be saying I am a voracious reader.  It's something I just love to do and I believe in taking the time to do things that you really enjoy (even if you are a wife, mother, executive of an erotic fiction company or all three).  You will often find my Kindle and various other reading materials scattered about...in the car, the kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom (like you don't!), my purse, etc.  Now when I say I am an avid reader that does not mean I read things that are going to better the world or teach me something, I am just as passionate about reading People magazine as I am about reading the latest book club selection (who am I kidding, I like People the most).  If it interests me I will read it...from chick lit to Cosmo to historical fiction to parenting know-how.  I especially love books that come from a simple idea that makes me smack myself in the head and say, "why didn't I think of that?!?".  Case in point..."Sh*t My Dad Says", by Justin Halpern.  This guy has parleyed something so nonsensical into an empire.  Which brings me to my (long, wordy and indirect) point.   Sh*t My Kids Say and Sh*t I Never Thought I'd Say in a Million, Gazillion Years.  Someone already has a book coming out in November with the former as it's title but a Google search on Sh*t I'd Never Thought I'd Say in a Million, Gazillion Years came up empty (only because I added "a Million, Gazillion Years"...aaaaand if you don't find it on Google, that's some sh*t that must not exist.).

Things are getting more and more interesting around the Martini house.  Thing 1 is 10, Thing 2 is 8 and The Princess has turned 5.  Sometimes the things that come out of their mouths are just precious, but more often they alternately leave me wondering if I forgot about dropping them on their heads once or twice as babies and just plain being horrified.  Here is an example of this weeks gems...

From Thing 1 (while having a discussion about how three different dog breeds are combined to create a French Bulldog)..."Mom, how do three things have a...(long pause)...moment?". 

From Thing 2..."Mom, does Diet Coke taste like Root Beer?"..."No, Diet Coke tastes like Diet Coke."...Does Cherry Coke taste like Diet Coke?"..."No, Diet Coke tastes like Diet Coke, root beer tastes like root beer and Cherry Coke tastes like Cherry Coke, they are three different kinds of pop (or soda, depending on where you are reading this)."..."Ooooohhhh, I forgot.".  Truth be told, I'm a smidge worried about how often he forgets.

From The Princess (after I had an awkward conversation with her camp teacher)..."Princess, what are you not going to talk about in camp anymore?"..."Chainsaws", said the Princess slowly in a low, disappointed voice.

Seriously, I couldn't make this sh*t up if I tried.  It certainly helps with the boredom that starts creeping into mothering about August O'clock every summer.  I think I will just roll my eyes, shake my head, have a good (inappropriate) laugh and thank my lucky stars school starts in two weeks. 

Someone Other Than the Bus Monitor Should be Crying About This

Warning:  Video content is disturbing and contains LOTS of language.  My response contains LOTS of ranting and some (OK LOTS) of language. 

OK, so I am a little slow on the uptake with this one but holy crap, I can not let this go by without a rant.  Are you one of the umpteen million people who have seen the You Tube video "Making the Bus Monitor Cry"?  If you are a parent you MUST watch this.  I'm going to warn you it is one of the most disturbing things I have ever watched (and I accidentally watched Mexican porn once...it's a genre...for reals) but it might be the most important thing you do today.  I'm gonna go ahead and link it here for you http://youtu.be/l93wAqnPQwk.  Again, EXTREMELY disturbing...you may need tissue.

Now that you have watched this atrocity...what say you?  Here's what I have to say...

This is the most disgusting display and lack of humanity I have ever seen.  These kids are 12...TWELVE!!!  What kind of parents did such a bang up job to produce these young douche bags who think this is an acceptable way to treat a person?  The kids deserve a bitch slap of a punishment but let's line the parents up shall we, and bitch slap them as well...HARDER!  And the father of one of these shitty little kids went ON THE NEWS to say that he didn't understand why people who are so disgusted by his little demon spawn's behavior would then turn around and make threats and nasty comments to his boy?  Seriously?  Did you HEAR what your son said to a grown women who should have been an authority figure to him on the bus?  Did you hear how many times he called her a fat ass?  Did you hear him giggle while he told her he was going to pee on her door and throw flaming shit at her house?  Did you hear him laugh while he said he was going to come in her mouth...COME.IN.HER.MOUTH???  WTF!?!?!?!?  This went on for over 10...TEN minutes!  Really?  What is WRONG with these kids!  And then the idiot that hatched the plan to make a video of their horrid behavior puts the video on You Tube.  Because to these half wits, it's some funny shit...I want to puke.  First, I want to kick them in the throat and THEN I want to puke.  And then I'm thinking...where was the freakin' bus driver during these 10 minutes of torture?  And why did not one single kid on that bus stand up for Mrs. Klein.  Only 4 kids on the bus where total asshats but what about the others?  I know it is hard to go against the grain when you are young and being liked seems like the most important thing in the world but even through this?  Watching someone being treated THIS poorly?  I am speechless (bet you were waiting for that!).

What could possibly make this better or could something redeeming come of this story?  Thank God the answer is yes or we may want to just curl up in a ball and cry somewhere knowing this kind of shit not only exists but is tolerated.  There are TONS of videos on You Tube from kids all over the world expressing their INtolerance of this bullshit.  Here is one of my favoriteshttp://youtu.be/oBWuJ4q9laM 

And even more amaze balls than so many kids saying they too, are disgusted by this behavior is the behavior of Mrs. Klein.  She said nothing.  She didn't lose her temper. She didn't write them up.  She didn't kick any of them in the head.  She said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.".  I don't know about you but this is something I was taught from a very young age.  Which is likely where things started going off the rails for these kids.  

I am shocked but I am also not shocked, which is kind of sad (and by that I mean actually sad, not just my usual wah wah wah).  One of my primary goals as a parent is to make sure I send decent, compassionate kids into the world every day.  Parenting is so hard...every choice we make seems to have such awesome consequences.  Keep up the good fight...it's your job and it's totally worth everything that goes into it.  But if you do happen to raise total f#@!tards like the kids in the video, please have the good sense to keep them at home, where they can abuse only you.

Someone PLEASE Step On (or Burn) His Blue Suede Shoes!

Tonight we continue our journey (the most overused word on TV ever!) with Emily in Croatia.  Which is, in case you haven't heard it before, THE MOST PERFECT place into fall in love. 

Good 'ole boy Travis gets the 1-on-1 and begins his first (oh so boring!) date with Emily.  There is a rock, his shirt should have come off, she's annoyed...to be honest I kind of zoned out at this part.  I was having trouble staying awake.  Clearly, Travis is headed to the "friend" zone, confirmed by Emily and sealed with a hug and a pat on the back.  I feel really bad for the guy.  He hasn't had a date in TWO YEARS!  That dude has got to be pent up like he's been in prison and he walks away with a hug and umbrella.  And I'm pretty sure he did NOT like that umbrella 'cuz he threw that sh## on the ground and cried like a baby, in the rain.  Wah wah wah. 

Need I remind you Travis was the egg guy?!?

There was a great moment during the date when we were allowed a glimpse into the other "men" talking (like girls) back at the hotel and WHAM...I had to stop/pause/freeze in my Tivo tracks.  Ryan's awesome white tank top...and by that I mean he borrowed it from his teenage sister.

Please give this back to the tween you swiped it from.
Your confidence can only take you so far dude.

On the group date, the boys went to see the movie Brave.  Bless their little hearts, all of them said it was awesome and an ah-mazing analogy for their journey (there's that freakin' word again!) with Emily.  That's right...a group of GROWN ASS MEN said they liked a cartoon to get in Emily's good graces (ie. pants).  Fast forward to men in skirts and knee socks in The Highland Games!  There is ass riding (am I gonna get in trouble for the picture on my computer titled the same???), tree throwing and some bows 'n arrows.

It's hard to not look like an ass when you are riding one.

Summary...Sean was HOT (says Emily, again.)!  Arie acted like a girl (act surprised).  Chris was HORRIBLE at EVERYTHING and had a whiny excuse for ALL of it...if he only had time to practice...like no one else had a chance to...'cuz they don't have Highland Games in Chicago.  Dude, you are making it IMPOSSIBLE for me to root for the home team!  I did come up with a way to pass the time...DRINKING GAME!  Every time Jef says "like", like, take a like, chug a lug of your like, cocktail like, OK?  PS.  Did you know he thinks his connection with Emily is like,  unlike any other???  And by that I mean unlike any other...other than the connection they ALL think they have with Emily.  Oh, either Arie or Jef (that's how little I care) thinks they are in love and could ask her to marry him tomorrow!  It's like, CRAZY!  Because it IS!  Crazy!  That you are in love with this dull, humorless woman.  Sorry Em.  Tru dat.

1-on-1 with Ryan...the world most arrogant man in search of a trophy wife (hey, that would make ANOTHER great drinking game!).  Apparently, Ryan takes 3 hours to get ready...in a t-shirt and track pants.  He also has a list of 12 qualities he wants in his (trophy) wife...because THAT'S not weird at all.  Most of them are superficial qualities...because THAT'S not what you'd expect from a guy who wakes up EVERY day, looks in the mirror and tells himself what an amazing man he is.  My very favorite moment of this date?  Watching Ryan walk away in his ridiculous BLUE.SUEDE.SHOES!!!

These need to be filed in the trash next to the many
man scarves of Ryan.

Rose ceremony!  Remember, Arie has a secret, pretend, invisible rose from the night before when he snuck over to Emily's room to take advantage (I mean to make sure she's all right) of her after saying Buh Bye to Ryan.  Doug and Wolf are on the bubble (insert gasp here).  "Humble" Doug and his "I'm just a guy" make me want to stick a hot poker in my eye.  He has drifted WAY into the hug zone with his wah wah wah attitude...do any of you want to just see this one put out of his misery???  Were any of you fooled by tricky dick Emily and her rose switcheroo???  So they both stay and we can drag out the suspense a little longer...in Prague!  Until then!

London and Man Scarves and Dragons...Oh My!

First, let me apologize for not posting last week and express my gratitude that several of you asked where it was.  I would write these posts whether anyone read them or not and imagine my delight that it's being read regularly.  Thank you for missing my little blog.

So, Emily, you sweet, sweet girl.  Why oh why are you so boring?  Sometimes, when I'm watching, I have to stab myself with a fork just to stay focused.  I think casting did a spectacular job this time around because they found you some of the.most.boring bachelors to go with your sparkly personality.  Which brings me to your first date with Sean...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  I was momentarily lifted out of snooze ville by that awesome dress you were wearing...loved it!  AND while passing time watching the worlds most boring date, I had a fantastic idea for a drinking game!  Every time Emily says "cute" take a sip or a chug.  It may help the show seem a little less boring and you may vomit...win win!  When Sean said this was the best day of his life I wanted to cry...me thinks he needs to live a little if that's the case. 

Best day ever?  Meh.

Onward fair readers to thoust lame ass group date.  Was anyone surprised that no one but Alejandro knew it was Shakespeare referenced on the date card?  Me either (and by that I mean I expected NONE of them to know).  Where to begin...Kalon took things WAY too seriously as usual and kept the stick firmly in his ass where it has been since he climbed out the limo.  You know we will visit him again later, right???  I am afraid someone told Ryan they liked his man scarf once because he wore one every time we saw him tonight. 

Man scarf.

I am not sold on the man scarf...but I would like to ask him about the knot he used for future reference with my scarf...for a woman...like God intended it to be.  But what was up with the cheesy wink 'n tongue click he gave Emily after sequestering her behind the velvet curtains at the pub?  This guy is ridiculous but I think Emily is eating it up.  Better not eat too much girlfriend because then Ryan will only love you, not love ON you.  The boys got all girly at the pub, gossiping about Kalon's unfortunate (but fortunate for us!) "baggage" remarks.  At first, I thought this was a case of the telephone game...you know...when Kalon says one thing and by the time it gets to Emily it's something totally different in really shitty way.  Alas, Kalon is just a d-bag (this is a surprise to anyone?). 

Doug                      33
Pot Stirrer/Tattle Tale

Enter Doug...professional pot stirrer and resident tattle tale.  I don't know about you but there is something about Doug that makes me feel icky.  I don't like him.  I don't like his personality, I don't like the things that come out his mouth, I don't like his face.  I think he is part girl the way he gathers everyone together to out Kalon.  But I'm glad he did for the BEST moment of the night when Emily decides to "go West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass".  Can I get an AMEN!  I LOVE West Viriginia...home of Biscuit World...it's totally worth the trip.

WV hood rat.

Jef finally gets his one-on-one.  There is not much I can say about this one.  First, he says if Ricki is baggage then she is a Chloe bag I want to keep forever and then he says they will have dance parties all night, singing into hair brushes while Emily is at work.  I'm gonna go out on a limb here and risk offending...I worry that Jef would be better suited as Emily's gay BFF (and I love me a gay BFF...after all, it's no secret Andy Cohen is my big gay crush).

Chloe or Ricki???

 

The rose ceremony is less than dramatic (and by that I mean painfully boring) ...Ryan wears another man scarf (make it stop!) and Alejandro gets the boot.  Hardly surprising considering Emily had yet to have a conversation with him.  But it still hurt bad and made him tear up a little in the cab home (they must not have limos in London...or helicopters...damn it!). 

Croatia here we come!

It Sucks or Why Stevie Couldn't Pop and Lock His Way into Emily's Heart

First, I must admit...the most exciting thing about tonight's episode of The Bachelorette was the severe thunderstorm watch in our area that kept interrupting the show.  That being said, I think I can still manage to find SOME humor (and by that I mean laughing AT not WITH) in the two hours I gave to this sinking ship.





Beep...beep...beep...beep



1.  Emily went on a one-on-one (is that word in the dictionary yet?) with Chris...who she thinks is HOT and makes her nervous 'cuz she thinks he's HOT...'nuff said.  Personally, I don't see it but tomato/tomaaaahto.

Hot or Eh???

2.  Group date!!!  "Wolf" mentioned a girlfriend...I think that's frowned upon dude...oh a "friend" who's a girl...I believe you.  Jersey Boy Stevie not only pop 'n locked he did the worm people!!!  I just CAN'T understand why that didn't work.  THE.WORM.  I loved Wendy (the BFF) and her wicked candor but when she asked the egg guy if he fertilized it himself even I thought that was kinda creepy.  You know we'll get back to Shelly (the egg) later!  Ryan let Emily know she betta not get lazy and fat...just active and fat because those two always go hand in hand like jogging and Ben and Jerry's.  Sean may have slipped and fallen on his faith loving ass because Wendy could NOT stop drooling all over that piece of Texas brisket.  I heard you Sean...you will NOT take your shirt off (and by that you meant not unless you could do push ups at the same time...and we thank you for that...very, very much).

God's genetic gift to the world.

3.  Doug, Doug, Doug...not only can you throw your Dad card into the pile but the orphaned, foster kid too?  Check and mate.

4.  What can I say about Tony (that isn't just plain mean)?  It would have been so much easier to be sympathetic to this guy about missing his son if he didn't sound high all the time!  He "totally"-d himself right through getting dumped.  I don't think he even realized it was happening.

5.  I am pretty sure Dolly Parton was lip syncing...she was singing? (said Martini Dad...as any other

great boob man would ask).

Dollywood!

6.  Kalon is sooooooo stiff...and not in a good way.  His hair, his clothes (gasp...no socks with those loafers...blech) and his personality...he has quite a stick up his very stuck up butt.  I would however, love to rewind and play him telling Emily to stop talking and let him finish, over and over and over.  



7.  Can you imagine the stink Shelly must have made when she was smashed to bits...it made me feel barfy.  Does this mean whatever his name is will not "protect what is precious" or what the weird he said when he introduced Emily to the egg?  I would question his sincerity...and sanity. .

old.stinky.egg.

Last, but certainly the most entertaining moment of the show...third cousin loving, cheating (on his cousin), one-night-stand fan, gypsy Canadian (did I hear that right?), worst hair ever (and I'm including Bachelor Ben), I can't even keep a pet but want to compromise and be your baby Daddy Alessando.  I can't tell you what a relief it was to figure out that there was NO language barrier with this guy...the sh$# that comes out his mouth is just freakin' bat sh$# crazy! 

                                 

 And what better way to restore Emily's faith in all the men...makin' out with a few of them!  I counted two but I don't want to be judgy...after Alessandro I would have even gotten it on with the Party MC before letting him go.

So it's on to Bermuda, where I am guessing Nate will still not speak (or even be on camera), everyone will still hate Kalon, Ryan will call Arie a "dainty man" (AWEsome!) and Doug will tell everyone that not only is he a single Dad who was orphaned and grew up a foster kid but he also runs marathons on two prosthetic legs to raise money for blind kids because his Gammy was near sighted...ok I made that last part up but really, would it surprise you?  I didn't think so.

Until next week!

Oh Emily...Will You Ever Get Your Rainbow Connection?

Did you watch?  Did you fall asleep (you know who you are...wink!)?  Did you pine for those 2 hours of your life back?  Here are a few things I know after last nights Bachelorette...

1.  Emily's mouth is full of Chiclets...those big, bright white nuggets can not be teeth...they are sold in packs of 4 by cute children in front of the Hard Rock in Cancun (Spring Break 1992 whoo hoo!).

2.  Maybe I have been married to handsome (mostly bald) Martini Dad for too long but there is A LOT of hair (most of it bad) on this show.  Oh my goodness Jef...I may or may not have sent you and Bachelor Ben a Super Cuts gift certificate. 

3.  I never thought I would say this but...WHERE HAVE ALL THE HELICOPTERS GONE?!?!?  I get that your life is all about soccer practice (in full hair and makeup) and grocery shopping (in full hair and makeup) and baking cookies (in full hair and makeup) but that is NOT why we watch the show!  We WANT you to go on fabulous dates and fall madly (and unrealistically) in love in like, 2 minutes only to doom your relationship (and I use the term loosely) once it's in the real world.  I don't want to watch a show about my neighbors date night...I want "REALITY" show date night!!!



Could you pick him out of a line up?  Could Emily?



4.  Nate (tall, cute and mute) has said one word in 3 1/2 hours...yes.  To a rose.  Isn't there always someone who you never see, who never talks and around the 10th episode you're like, who is that guy and was he always on the show?!?  Enter Nate.

5.  Party MC Stevie from Jersey (holla!) is SOOOO being kept on for WAY TOO LONG (can we agree even a minute has been too long?) for the special brand of drama only he can (drunkenly..."I don't like you, Kalon.") bring.

Waka waka waka the heck?!?!?

6.  The Muppets have lost a little of my respect (can you respect a puppet?)...c'mon Kermie...perhaps it's because Emily was involved but even Fozzie Bear couldn't make this show more interesting (or funny).  The bright spot was Chris Harrison with the crotchety guy from the balcony (did you notice their identical noses?) but I think I just enjoy snark of all kinds...puppet or otherwise.

7.  If Emily got SO CHOKED UP sending Joe home (pity that Love Clock thing didn't pan out) and she only knew him for like, 3 seconds I can't WAIT for the (overly) emotional buh byes to come!  Wah wah wah.

Cute...unless it's from a grown ass man...is he really "too perfect" Emily???

8.  Best (and worst) moment of the show...Ryan's ridiculously long (and sort of 8th gradish) letter to Emily...reading it ALOUD while Tony stands there watching and waiting...and waiting...and waiting...A.W.E.S.O.M.E!  And by that I mean totally awk-ward!  Loved it (every creepy seven.pages.long moment)!

So in the previews of upcoming episodes we see plenty 'o man crying (one of my faves!) and our Bachelorette hucking that big ass egg down some stairs...can't wait!  So for now, I will keep logging the hours with our boring Bachelorette until it makes me feel all stabby and I have to stop (who am I kidding...I will never stop watching this weekly train wreck).

Until next week!