Stooooooooop Saying Stoooooooop Already or Is Epic the New Journey?

As we head into Week 2 the first thing that strikes me is this...in a ginormous, beautiful LA mansion do they really not have enough rooms that they have to stack these guys up in bunk beds, dorm style at least 6 to a room?  I know for certain when it is a room full of women the closeness adds to the cray cray but in my experience, a lot of men in one room only leads to stink.  Not drama, just stinky boy room ickiness. 

Eric (the super cutie patootie who has tragically died since being on the show) got the first one on one date.  Aaaaaaand cue the first helicopter!  Aaaaaaand cue the classic dramatic soaring music to accompany the helicopter ride!  I love not ever being surprised by this franchise.  They play at the beach and head to the mountains to ski...in the same day...sand and snow...IT WAS EPIC!  Or so they said, a lot.  I am afraid that epic is the new journey.  You know what else Andi said a lot...and by a lot I mean I think I counted it 2,467 times???  Stooooooop.  You have been on a helicopter before?  Stooooooop.  You had a harrowing experience in Syria (amazing story BTW)?  Stoooooooop.  You are a way better snowboarder that I ever will be?  Stoooooop.  Please Andi, I beg of you, get a new "thing"!  Or at least mix it up with a "shut up!" or a "No way!" or a classic "OMG!".  Aaaaaaaanything to make it stoooooooop! 
This date was quite sweet and your heart breaks knowing what an amazing guy Eric is and that he is no longer chasing adventure on this earth.  Really, really sad. 

Group date shenanigans ensue.  Craig is the leader of the whole crazy pack, throwing out an "I love her!" in his interview.  Slow your roll dude, it's only been 10 minutes.

Even though Andi was so uncomfortable with her nude photo shoot during JPG's season that she almost didn't do it, she decided that everyone else should have to feel the overwhelming sense of dread at performing (read stripping) LIVE...'cuz it's for charity yo!  So they did...with spray tan...and baby oil...and marble bags (not my words but I'm keeping them in the bank for later!).  It was delightful and incredibly uncomfortable all at the same time. 

Later there was a cocktail party and Craig got loaded.  And by loaded I mean OFF HIS ARSE stinkin' makin' no sense swimming in his clothes hammered.  Watching him was like watching a really bad, drunk Tommy Boy imitation.  He asked Andi what the worst thing about her parents is.  Which made me think he might still live in his parents basement and was gonna reply with something like "I know, mine NEVER let me have girls over in my room!".  It was sad and kinda awesome.

Chris the Farmer gets the next one on one.  He has declared Andi "The Most Amazing Woman on the Planet!" but I am guessing his frame of reference is limited in that he is a farmer from Iowa.  So they get all dressed up and Chris says, "I feel like I'm in Pretty Woman right now!"...like you feel like a hooker that wins her man?!?!  Aaaaaand cue the first private concert.  Dancing and kissing ensue and if this doesn't work out I know exactly where to send Chris.

At the Rose Ceremony cocktail party Craig tries to redeem himself by horribly singing a really bad song he made up himself.  It is hard to watch and you already know where he is headed...the bad songwriting is on the wall.

Andi sends Carl (who looked like he was about to puke the whole rose ceremony) the only ACTUAL hot fireman (not the stripper pretend ones) home (WHAT?!?) and Nick S. who I think is a very short, professional golfer with bad facial hair (sorta like this)

and Craig (SHOCKER!  Not!) because she just couldn't get past his frat boy ways.  Awwwww sorry not sorry. 

Until next time...I will watch so you don't have to!

The Boys are Back! Or Andi's 16-30 Minutes of Fame!

She's baaaack!  Americas or at the very least the Bachelor Nations favorite southern frowny faced prosecutor (I put the bad guys away!) is hitting Chris Harrison up for 25 more men.  Does anyone else find it ironic (I never know if I  using that word right) that we all hailed Andi the MOST awesome Bachelorette on JPG's season because she was smart and had a great (read actual) career (compared to most of the Hooter's girls) and at the first opportunity to extend her 15 minutes she chucks her job to become the Bachelorette?!?!  Just throwin' that out there.

Let me get this out of the way so we can get to dishin' on the men.  Top three things that annoy me about Andi...1.  She always sounds like she needs Sudafed.  So stuffy!!!  2.  She says ya'll...a lot.  Like more than journey.  But it would make a great drinking game.  3.  She has a super frowny face.  When not smiling this girl looks like the love child of the Joker and Debbie Downer.  Wah wah waaaah.

So the men.  Meh.  Does anyone doubt that half of them are better suited for the next Bachelor?  I'm talking to you JJ the pantsepreneur on his "love quest".  I think I would have preferred journey.   There's a farmer who doesn't stand a chance.   Brett the hairstylist who brought a stolen hotel lamp.  Wha???  Emil which is pronounced anal with an m...his words, not mine.  Mine are yuck, really and the f dude?  Hot black Marquel who brought cookies...schwing!  Bradley the opera singer.  Long hair lovers Mike, Jason (I am a doctor, you must have a fever cuz you are hot!  For reals ladies.), Stoked Steven.  Andrew who is way too confident for his face and Patrick who brought a soccer ball.  These two had a quick bromance brewing and decided they were much higher caliber than the rest...so excited to see how that pans out for them!  Girls totally love guys who think they are better than everybody else!  And Chicago's best (God I hope not!) Nick V. with an unfortunate white man fro and Cody...a beefy bohunk personal trainer who pushed the limo up the driveway in a feat of strength.  Cue the ladies swooning...or not.  Lookin' like a tool in a white v neck Hanes under a jacket with the collar standing up.  Talking in some sort of jivey, Diego , don't know why you talk like that when no one else from Chicago does lingo.  Wow. Is that really how we represent???  There were others...so much metro and bad facial hair.  But Andi has a good feeling ya'll...her husband is in the mix!!!

First impression rose and most backhanded compliment (?) ever went to Nick V. and his fro yo!  Because he is completely NOT the kind of guy Andi would EVER go for!  So please accept this rose.

In a suspiciously scripted moment (I can't believe they would DO that!) Chris from Emilie's season showed up with...wait for it...roses! and begged to be on the show.  He got to spend a lot of time with security but none with Andi.  He looked like a tool and has since cried "the producers made me do it!".

In the end we lost all the long locked men.  Anal, I mean Emil (you just don't ever rebound from that introduction do you Emil?) Mike and Jason.  Rudie the lawyer and Josh B.  Josh B. turned into a pissed off toddler while stomping out of the mansion and went on a glorious rant calling it all just stupid and turns out he is a giant jackhole.  Dodged a bullet there Andi.

Until next time!  I will watch so you don't have to.

Tengo un calzoncillos...week 4

Translation:  I have a wedgie...the most interesting thing said this week on the Bachelor by little Miss Camilla.  Seriously.

Is it just me or is this the snooziest season ever?  I certainly hope I am not outgrowing the Bachelor...I feel like I just stopped watching The Real World (who am I kidding, the Ex-plosion was on last night!!!).  But for reals...with Clare acting cray cray and Nikki (aka Debbie Downer) and awkward Sharleen and Danielle (who is that girl?) all still going strong who can tell where this BOR-ing string of group dates and 1-on-1s are headed???

This week the group heads to South Korea (who may or may certainly have received promotional consideration).  News of the trip causes Clare to cry...crying count is at 3,298 (for Clare alone).  It also causes Elise to take 30 Xanax (oh wait, that's just her personality) and say something in her monotone, deadpan voice.  PS...if you haven't seen her in "Yule Log Hotties" you need to You Tube that right now!  She is glitteriffic and every bit the conservative first grade teacher she presents herself as.  I am also quite sure the rumors that she used to stalk and or hump "The Situation" are completely untrue.

The group date is (suprise!) a dance party!  Juan Papa really seems to like to get jiggy wit it a lot!  21...South Korea's Spice Girls pump up the jam while the girls are background dancers.  (Self proclaimed) professional and not at all over the top dancers Kat and Cassandra really go for it.  Chelsie is doe eyed as usual.  I think this girl has lived in a cardboard box up until this point.  Everything is so amazing, new and amazing!!!  Now that is a girl who could benefit from a Xanax or 20.  Kat brings the mood down a thousand notches talking about her alchoholic dad with an impressive 7 DUIs...wah wah wah.  Nikki turned into negative Nikki, whining and complaining her way through the day.  Elise mumbled about something unimportant but used the word impor-ant.  BIGGEST PET PEEVE WORD EVER!!!  Why do people drop the T?  AAaaaaaack!   Second only to realtor (not real-a-tor people...real-tor)!  End rant.

Insert gratuitious shower scene here...thank you ABC.

Juan-on-1 with Sharleen.  I am not sure we are all on the same date.  She was really thrilled with how things went but all I saw was awkward awkward awkward.  Apparantly, singing to a man (rather than a full opera house) is kid of like giving her flower away...she was a little uncomfortable putting it out there.  Like everything else.  Juan P asked how many kids she wants and she asks "me?"...or maybe he's asking the other totes awkward opera singer in the room?  Not to shock anyone but she is not maternal.  So JPG makes out with her...bites her a little bit and gives her a rose.

Second group date...group fish pedi!!!  Desperation, thy name is Clare.  When offered a nub of calamari, she went ape crazy and everyone was so proud (read annoyed) when she finally downed it.  Cue Kelly quote of the week..."...and I know you've swallowed bigger things than that."...we love her.  Juan P just says no to kissing for the night (but the count is at 6) to be a good role model to his kid.  Then just like the rest of us parents, hangs on to being a good role model until we screw it up.  He must really like Clare because he kisses her after she admits to throwing up the octopus (in her mouth) and swallowing it back down.  Who wouldn't want to make out after that!

Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle (who is she?), Cassandra, Alli (CHI town holla!  We heart calamari!), Clare and Kat get their roses.  Lauren, whose denied kiss made her and every other person watching cry and made "so so many mistakes" and Elise (bad bad ugly cry) got sent packing and had the looooooongest walk away from JPG ever, while they all stared.

Looks like Juan drops the rules on more than just kissing next week.  There MAY be more drama and it MAY involve Clare.  Until then.

El Bachelor Latino es aburrido...yawn.

In episode 3 of the Bachelor Juan P goes on more boring dates and sweet talks EVERY one.  I don't think there is a front runner in the bunch!  Yawn.  Boring.  Sooooooo to spice things up the press went ape poop over an interview JP did that turned out badly...so so badly.  When asked if he thought that ABC should have a gay or bisexual Bachelor, things went downhill...like arrriba arriba down hill.  He did mention he has many gay friends but is not so comfortable with the idea of two men living together raising children.  This is his opinion regardless of whether you like it.  Perhaps had he stopped here we would never have heard of the interview.  Buuuuuuuut he used the unfortunate word pervert to describe men together.  I am going to play devils advocate here and say I believe that he used that word in particular because English is his second language and not because he thinks the LGBT community is filled with perverts.  In his apology he said he meant racy...I think that's what he meant.  Have you seen Queer as Folk?  Have you seen Will and Grace?  There is a reason one is on cable.  I do not think that the ABC audience is ready for full on gay or bi men dating.  The required hot tub scenes would put many a housewife or dare I say husband (we know you watch too!) over the edge.  I realize my view may be unpopular but as I WAS an avid watcher of Queer as Folk I am comfortable with where I stand.  Feel free to let me know your thoughts!

Moving forward...Cassandra, single mother and former cheerleader got a Juan on One date.  He is going to fast track his single mothers so they can get back to mothering...so sweet.  Cassie is 21, has a 2 year old and hasn't been on a first date in 3 years...I suck at math but that adds up to...hmmmm...interesting.  Then she said she hadn't been on a first date in 3 years...and then she said it again...and then she said it again...she also said she hadn't felt this way about a man in 3 years (which is good to hear because a few dates after the first they had a baby.).  Me thinks she ought to kiss a few more frogs before she settles for her new baby daddy.

Group Date!!!  Soccer or shall we say futbol!  And then a cocktail party (of course!).  Nikki was denied a kiss and just when I thought he had put her in the friend zone he gives her the rose!  I did not see that coming but am delighted.  Team Nikki!!!  There was a very romantic make out session with Andi (who doesn't like to read) in the snack bar...who says romance is dead.  Followed by Andi's shock and dismay to see him making out 10 minutes later with Awkward Sharleen.  Now I think everything Sharleen does is super awkward but that kiss...ugh...the tongue...the shhh shhh shhh, now I kiss you.  Barf.  She also keeps referring to the word Mondo that he uses for her and says means worldly...she thinks it's beautiful and makes her feel wonderful but when I looked it up, Mondo, in Spanish (the primary language of Venezuela), means bare, picked clean, plain and simple...as in they picked the chicken clean.  I do not know why that makes me as happy as it does.

Back at the mansion, Elise and Chelsea wait to see who gets the next one on one and Elise starts a Chelsea bashing that continues while (surprise!) Chelsea gets the date.  Elise is certain baby Chelsea, who is a little girl and a baby and not ready for motherhood and who is JUST THREE YEARS YOUNGER THAN HER does not belong with JP.

One on One with Chelsea is a big snooze while we wait for her to jump from a bungee platform for about 17 hours!  In my head I pushed her like 17 times!  Juan P alternates between telling her to "do it for me" and "don't do it, I won't be mad" sending a wonderfully mixed message that is a metaphor for all new relationships...no wait, the trusting each other to just jump was the painful metaphor.  After hanging upside down and making out...duh...what else to do...they have dinner and a private concert!  Just in case you are counting, that's 2...in 3 episodes.

Pool party the next day takes the place of a cocktail party.  Which is awesome because where there are 15 girls in bikinis there is cattiness aplenty!  My favorite bitchy comment came from Kelly (yes, the dog still bothers me but she is growing on me) says of Kat (whose crotch was too close to JP's head for a little too long for her liking...chicken fights!), "There are 14 other girls here and you are a whore."  I may be switching to Team Kelly.  Inexplicable tears count...2...Sharleen cried to Juan P. and Clare locked herself in the bathroom and cried and everyone got roses.  Except for Lucy (shocker) and Kristi...ummmm who is she?  Has she been on the show the whole time?!?!?

Until next time...

Ay, Victoria or Go home Victoria, you're drunk. Week 2

Hola Bachelor fans!  This week so so many women started their whirlwind courtship of Juan Pablo.  First up...Clare with a 1 on 1 date (has that made it into Websters yet?)  She is blindfolded (ala Christian Gray) and driven off in the first of many sports cars to come.  I was kinda hoping she would get car sick but no such luck.  Winter wonderland is the theme for their first date.  They go sledding...they ice skate...they make snowmen...they go in the hot tub.....screeeeech!  What the?!?  Ah but it is el Bachelor and there will be no less than 25 hot tub scenes per season.  I don't know about you but if I was on a first date, with a gorgeous Latin man, in a hot tub, I would...talk about my dead father (with plenty of crying of course) and while I don't mean to sound heartless, are you really leading with this???  On a first date???  As if this isn't already an AH-MAZING date...do my ears deceive me???  Nah...it's the first obligatory private concert by I am not sure who because I am distracted by Pablo and Clare dancing in their bathing suits.  Seems a chill in the air, a whole lotta rubbin' and you have a recipe for a wardrobe malfunction or something..."like a frightened turtle" as Seinfeld would say.
Next up is Kat!  On a private jet, headed to the Salt Lake City Electric Run because nothing says let's get to know each other like a 5K with a bazillion other people with blaring techno music.  They danced the night away!  I've got nothin'.
Group date!!!  13 lucky gals and 13 lucky dogs got together for a photo shoot.  Lots of bikinis...a few hot dresses...some nudity (Lucy!)...a fire hydrant???  And one poor girl who looked covered in dog poo with a bald cap and white polka dots.  Such a trouper that Kelly, who I don't want to like because she lets her dog swim in the pool at the mansion (gak!) but won my heart over when she replied to another gals complaint with a "Just wear the *%$ing fire hydrant and shut the *$%^ up!" while wiping a bit of brown goo from her cap.  At the after party, Cassandra, 21 going on 14, like totally like tells Juan Pablo like that she has like a like son named Trey like at home that like is like almost like two year old.  Chantels monotone voice makes me want to stick a hot poker in my ears.  Renee was totally dissed with no kiss, hard as she tried.  And Kelly gets the rose for looking so cute in her poop suit.  Enter...Victoria...who may or may totally have been over served.  I really like her musings on life..."That's what life is about...straddling people and things" and "I gave him the hymen maneuver" (said more than once for good measure).  Then she went on a bizarre over the legal limit rant and raved like a lunatic and cried oh so so much crying.  Juan Pablo can not talk her down and so he leaves...and sends her packing the next morning.  I think he and Camila dodged a cray cray bullet on that one fo sho.
On to a relatively uneventful rose ceremony.  Sharleen apologized for being awkward while being awkward and did someone say TOGA! cuz that wrappy naked dress really fit the bill.  Amy was really annoying speaking about herself in the third person while interviewing JP...surprise, she is a news gal looking for her big break!  Cassandra cries because someone HAS to!  And in a stunning twist, I noticed Elise somehow repurposed the golden sparkly bust section of her "exit the limo dress" into her "2nd rose ceremony dress"...which I find refreshing and resourceful but I think there are Bachelor laws prohibiting that sort of thing.  Adios Amy...Adios Chantal (please don't use your Conair bun maker kit again).
Wrapping up with a preview of Catherine and Sean's upcoming televised wedding extravaganza which kinda made me want to wretch a little.  I am not a fan of Catherine, the grown ass woman in a child's mind bride.  So I am not surprised to see her giggle like a 12 year old when opening lingerie at her wedding shower.  However, did we really have to take a tour of the wedding night suite where she refers to the four poster bed as "the consummation station"?!?!?!?  Ick!  Look, I love that you decided to wait for the big day but yuck yuck yuck Catherine, grow up already!!!  Until next week!

It's BAAAAAAAAACK...and it's Juan Pablo Senoritas!!! Week 1

So America’s sexiest single Dad is on his journey (no wait, he doesn’t like that word…AMEN!!! The most overused word in Bachelor history will not be used this season!), I mean his adventure has begun. Hot Dad = THE MOST WATCHED BACHELOR EVER! So you know this means plenty of crazy has been selected to be Camila’s new Step Mommy. So many crazies, it seems, that they have given him 27 to choose from. There are too many to talk about individually so let’s do a Top Ten shall we? In no particular order (and certainly not because I think they are normal) I present my Top Ten Bachelorettes…

1. Renee threw the “I have a kid too” card right out the gate. She is 32 (I counted at least 4 ladies over 30 which HAS to be some sort of record) and looks a little rode hard if you know what I’m sayin’. She is from Florida and lots of crazy people are from FL (seriously…Google it), so fingers crossed on this one.

2. Clare, also over 30, played the race card claiming to be part Mexican. I’m not sure which part but I think it must be the implants she got for a steal in Tijuana on Spring Break. I do feel for her having lost her father and I feel that DVD may surface at some point during the season with disastrous results. However, there is no excuse for showing up with a fake baby bump and no real joke to go with it. Simply, I am over 30 and really want to have babies…Marry Me! I will! Said no single guy ever.

3. Lucy (in the sky with diamonds and a bad attitude and dirty feet) was in my top 3 crazies for this season. She is a “free spirit” with “no home” (read unemployed and homeless) but instead of being sweet like her hippy headband and fairy dress imply, she is bossy and has no boundaries and while I don’t think she has a chance, I think she will be (a) great (train wreck) to watch.

4. Amy J. (also over 30…starting to see a pattern here) the orgasmic massage therapist. I kind of felt uncomfortable listening to her devour Juan Pablo during the most awkward oily over the clothes inappropriately timed massage ever. I was relieved AND disappointed to see her go.

5. Andi the Prosecutor. I am actually pleased to see a super hot AND smart woman who seems to have her act together on the show. As I was typing the last sentence I realize how unrealistic that seems and look forward to learning what particular brand of crazy Andi subscribes to that she finds herself looking for love on the Bachelor. You just know something is up there. Important to note…during her little bio piece where she talks about how pretty she is and how surprised people are that she is a prosecutor…and pretty. I thought I had turned on Cinemax after 10pm (don’t act like you don’t know) watching the dorky defense attorney ogle at the hot prosecutor in the tight bun and even tighter pencil skirt…barf.

6. Lauren H. Dumped over the phone during her engagement to a man with a kid. I don’t even know where to go with that one. I did however; enjoy watching her insecurities make her unravel in front of our very eyes within the first 30 minutes of her journey (ack! There’s that word!). Note to self…make sure you aren’t an ugly crier before crying (A LOT!) on national TV. I do hope she will be able to “start over” after her ah-mazing 10 minutes with Juan Pablo.

7. Charleen…the Canadian opera singer from Germany. I am befuddled by this one people. Juan Pablo seemed quite smitten by this classy kitten. Her social awkwardness was painful to watch. The long pauses, the lack of interest in AMERICA’S HOTTEST BACHELOR!, the overall “one of these things does not belong in this picture”-ness about her. I see from the previews she is sticking around a while but I just do not get it. Did she keep calling him Sir or was I hearing things?

8. Kylie from Rockford. Wah wah waaaaaah. That wasn’t awkward or anything when she stepped forward to claim the rose for KAAAAAAAT not KYYYYYYYYlie. She was like, OMG! I’m gonna die! Can’t you pick me anyway? and Juan Pablo was like uh, no. Couldn’t have written it better myself!!! Awesome!

9. Running out of places so Imma gonna lump a few together. I was winded watching Lauren pedal her piano bike up the mountain to the mansion (did you notice there were a crap ton of Weight Watchers commercials during this episode?!?). Chelsie the science teacher should stick to teaching instead of comedy. Valerie the farm girl who wants you to know she’s pretty. Sparkly Elise looked straight off the pageant circuit. Ashley had the worst voice ever but fortunately was also a low talker. Maggie likes to fish (I like to show at a guys house with a lure). Molly, no wait that’s her dog, came with Kelly, or is that the dog…aaaaand who cares.

10. Saved the best for last! Team Nikki! Nikki is a nurse, a baby nurse. She is smokin’ hot and takes care of kids. She is smart and cute and made Juan Pablo swoon. I am hoping out of all the crazies he picks this one.

I’m going to be honest and tell you that part of Juan Pablo’s appeal (to me) last season was that he was only shown sporadically on the show. An entire show…where he speaks a lot and goes on every date might make him less appealing. Oh who am I kidding, I will get a little bored, he will take off his shirt or have a gratuitous shower scene aaaaaaand problem solved!