Ay, Victoria or Go home Victoria, you're drunk. Week 2

Hola Bachelor fans!  This week so so many women started their whirlwind courtship of Juan Pablo.  First up...Clare with a 1 on 1 date (has that made it into Websters yet?)  She is blindfolded (ala Christian Gray) and driven off in the first of many sports cars to come.  I was kinda hoping she would get car sick but no such luck.  Winter wonderland is the theme for their first date.  They go sledding...they ice skate...they make snowmen...they go in the hot tub.....screeeeech!  What the?!?  Ah but it is el Bachelor and there will be no less than 25 hot tub scenes per season.  I don't know about you but if I was on a first date, with a gorgeous Latin man, in a hot tub, I would...talk about my dead father (with plenty of crying of course) and while I don't mean to sound heartless, are you really leading with this???  On a first date???  As if this isn't already an AH-MAZING date...do my ears deceive me???  Nah...it's the first obligatory private concert by I am not sure who because I am distracted by Pablo and Clare dancing in their bathing suits.  Seems a chill in the air, a whole lotta rubbin' and you have a recipe for a wardrobe malfunction or something..."like a frightened turtle" as Seinfeld would say.
Next up is Kat!  On a private jet, headed to the Salt Lake City Electric Run because nothing says let's get to know each other like a 5K with a bazillion other people with blaring techno music.  They danced the night away!  I've got nothin'.
Group date!!!  13 lucky gals and 13 lucky dogs got together for a photo shoot.  Lots of bikinis...a few hot dresses...some nudity (Lucy!)...a fire hydrant???  And one poor girl who looked covered in dog poo with a bald cap and white polka dots.  Such a trouper that Kelly, who I don't want to like because she lets her dog swim in the pool at the mansion (gak!) but won my heart over when she replied to another gals complaint with a "Just wear the *%$ing fire hydrant and shut the *$%^ up!" while wiping a bit of brown goo from her cap.  At the after party, Cassandra, 21 going on 14, like totally like tells Juan Pablo like that she has like a like son named Trey like at home that like is like almost like two year old.  Chantels monotone voice makes me want to stick a hot poker in my ears.  Renee was totally dissed with no kiss, hard as she tried.  And Kelly gets the rose for looking so cute in her poop suit.  Enter...Victoria...who may or may totally have been over served.  I really like her musings on life..."That's what life is about...straddling people and things" and "I gave him the hymen maneuver" (said more than once for good measure).  Then she went on a bizarre over the legal limit rant and raved like a lunatic and cried oh so so much crying.  Juan Pablo can not talk her down and so he leaves...and sends her packing the next morning.  I think he and Camila dodged a cray cray bullet on that one fo sho.
On to a relatively uneventful rose ceremony.  Sharleen apologized for being awkward while being awkward and did someone say TOGA! cuz that wrappy naked dress really fit the bill.  Amy was really annoying speaking about herself in the third person while interviewing JP...surprise, she is a news gal looking for her big break!  Cassandra cries because someone HAS to!  And in a stunning twist, I noticed Elise somehow repurposed the golden sparkly bust section of her "exit the limo dress" into her "2nd rose ceremony dress"...which I find refreshing and resourceful but I think there are Bachelor laws prohibiting that sort of thing.  Adios Amy...Adios Chantal (please don't use your Conair bun maker kit again).
Wrapping up with a preview of Catherine and Sean's upcoming televised wedding extravaganza which kinda made me want to wretch a little.  I am not a fan of Catherine, the grown ass woman in a child's mind bride.  So I am not surprised to see her giggle like a 12 year old when opening lingerie at her wedding shower.  However, did we really have to take a tour of the wedding night suite where she refers to the four poster bed as "the consummation station"?!?!?!?  Ick!  Look, I love that you decided to wait for the big day but yuck yuck yuck Catherine, grow up already!!!  Until next week!

It's BAAAAAAAAACK...and it's Juan Pablo Senoritas!!! Week 1

So America’s sexiest single Dad is on his journey (no wait, he doesn’t like that word…AMEN!!! The most overused word in Bachelor history will not be used this season!), I mean his adventure has begun. Hot Dad = THE MOST WATCHED BACHELOR EVER! So you know this means plenty of crazy has been selected to be Camila’s new Step Mommy. So many crazies, it seems, that they have given him 27 to choose from. There are too many to talk about individually so let’s do a Top Ten shall we? In no particular order (and certainly not because I think they are normal) I present my Top Ten Bachelorettes…

1. Renee threw the “I have a kid too” card right out the gate. She is 32 (I counted at least 4 ladies over 30 which HAS to be some sort of record) and looks a little rode hard if you know what I’m sayin’. She is from Florida and lots of crazy people are from FL (seriously…Google it), so fingers crossed on this one.

2. Clare, also over 30, played the race card claiming to be part Mexican. I’m not sure which part but I think it must be the implants she got for a steal in Tijuana on Spring Break. I do feel for her having lost her father and I feel that DVD may surface at some point during the season with disastrous results. However, there is no excuse for showing up with a fake baby bump and no real joke to go with it. Simply, I am over 30 and really want to have babies…Marry Me! I will! Said no single guy ever.

3. Lucy (in the sky with diamonds and a bad attitude and dirty feet) was in my top 3 crazies for this season. She is a “free spirit” with “no home” (read unemployed and homeless) but instead of being sweet like her hippy headband and fairy dress imply, she is bossy and has no boundaries and while I don’t think she has a chance, I think she will be (a) great (train wreck) to watch.

4. Amy J. (also over 30…starting to see a pattern here) the orgasmic massage therapist. I kind of felt uncomfortable listening to her devour Juan Pablo during the most awkward oily over the clothes inappropriately timed massage ever. I was relieved AND disappointed to see her go.

5. Andi the Prosecutor. I am actually pleased to see a super hot AND smart woman who seems to have her act together on the show. As I was typing the last sentence I realize how unrealistic that seems and look forward to learning what particular brand of crazy Andi subscribes to that she finds herself looking for love on the Bachelor. You just know something is up there. Important to note…during her little bio piece where she talks about how pretty she is and how surprised people are that she is a prosecutor…and pretty. I thought I had turned on Cinemax after 10pm (don’t act like you don’t know) watching the dorky defense attorney ogle at the hot prosecutor in the tight bun and even tighter pencil skirt…barf.

6. Lauren H. Dumped over the phone during her engagement to a man with a kid. I don’t even know where to go with that one. I did however; enjoy watching her insecurities make her unravel in front of our very eyes within the first 30 minutes of her journey (ack! There’s that word!). Note to self…make sure you aren’t an ugly crier before crying (A LOT!) on national TV. I do hope she will be able to “start over” after her ah-mazing 10 minutes with Juan Pablo.

7. Charleen…the Canadian opera singer from Germany. I am befuddled by this one people. Juan Pablo seemed quite smitten by this classy kitten. Her social awkwardness was painful to watch. The long pauses, the lack of interest in AMERICA’S HOTTEST BACHELOR!, the overall “one of these things does not belong in this picture”-ness about her. I see from the previews she is sticking around a while but I just do not get it. Did she keep calling him Sir or was I hearing things?

8. Kylie from Rockford. Wah wah waaaaaah. That wasn’t awkward or anything when she stepped forward to claim the rose for KAAAAAAAT not KYYYYYYYYlie. She was like, OMG! I’m gonna die! Can’t you pick me anyway? and Juan Pablo was like uh, no. Couldn’t have written it better myself!!! Awesome!

9. Running out of places so Imma gonna lump a few together. I was winded watching Lauren pedal her piano bike up the mountain to the mansion (did you notice there were a crap ton of Weight Watchers commercials during this episode?!?). Chelsie the science teacher should stick to teaching instead of comedy. Valerie the farm girl who wants you to know she’s pretty. Sparkly Elise looked straight off the pageant circuit. Ashley had the worst voice ever but fortunately was also a low talker. Maggie likes to fish (I like to show at a guys house with a lure). Molly, no wait that’s her dog, came with Kelly, or is that the dog…aaaaand who cares.

10. Saved the best for last! Team Nikki! Nikki is a nurse, a baby nurse. She is smokin’ hot and takes care of kids. She is smart and cute and made Juan Pablo swoon. I am hoping out of all the crazies he picks this one.

I’m going to be honest and tell you that part of Juan Pablo’s appeal (to me) last season was that he was only shown sporadically on the show. An entire show…where he speaks a lot and goes on every date might make him less appealing. Oh who am I kidding, I will get a little bored, he will take off his shirt or have a gratuitous shower scene aaaaaaand problem solved!

Two Girls, Some More Porn and a Russian Spy

You may already be aware that the 2012 break out Mommy porn star of the year, 50 Shades of Grey, is not my favorite book. Which isn't to say I didn't read every last poorly written word of all three books in the series...in about 72 hours. Of course, being erotica, it is kinda hot (albeit in a cheesy kind of way) and poorly, oh so poorly written (in a poorly written kind of way). But really, when housewives are looking to step it up from Danielle Steele and read the dirty details about what happens AFTER he pushes her gently down onto the bed (or not so gently, as the case may be), I doubt any of us expected literary magic. So naturally, when my GF suggested we listen to the audio book on our weekend road trip to MN, I said abso-porny-lutely! Surely a dramatic reading of the shadiest book to hit the best sellers list in a long time would be WAY HOT, right? W.R.O.N.G. And this is where 50 Shades went horribly, horribly awry.

Truth be told, this was my first experience with an audio book so I was all kinds of nervous, much like Ms. Steele before she became acquainted with Mr. Grey's "favorite and most cherished part of his body" (yeah, I couldn't make this sh** up).   My GF is in the business of voice overs and let me know that the reader would use different voices to distinguish between characters...makes sense. So I assumed (you know where that usually gets you) the reader would be skilled at creating different voices...makes sense. She totally sucked at it...makes.total.sense.   I'll share few of the highlights...Kate Kavanagh sounding like the girls working at the Gap in a classic SNL sketch..."OH MY GOD Becky...cinch it!".  Christian Grey sounding very much like you would expect any female reader would sound like trying to sound like a man, she just lowers her voice...which would work if she wasn't reading things like "feel me" and "I'd like to give you a good hiding".  Then, it just sounds silly (and by that I mean sillier than it already sounds). And last, but certainly worst, is the accent used for the character Jose Rodriguez...somewhat Hispanic at first and then alternating between a little bit Hispanic and a whole lotta Russian spy...awesome. And did I mention that in the book, Ms. Steele is about to graduate college in 2011 without having a computer, an e-mail account, a serious kiss (that's with tongue people), any feelings of desire for a man whatsoever and not only is a virgin, she has never fooled around with a man AT ALL (Mr. Grey was kind enough to show her how to give a handy). Combine the preposterous story line, horrible writing and bad narrating and you create the perfect storm...for mockery...and lots of it. To make it more interesting, my GF and I treated it much like Mystery Science Theater 3000 (a personal favorite) and mocked the crap out of it. In the end, it was a great time, with a great friend and made the drive time pass quickly...mission accomplished.

Having been disappointed with the books and the audio books I am really concerned for the movie (but you know I'll be watching it opening weekend!). I hope they understand the importance of visual stimulation for women and don't cast a Josh Hutcherson when clearly this part calls for a Liam Hemsworth. Seriously though, if the Princess can make it to her college graduation having no idea what a penis looks like (and in my head she will), let alone having never been seriously kissed (what a shame)...I will personally send a letter of apology to the author for dissing her book so much.

The Princess and The Chainsaw...a Tale of Motherhood

Let me start be saying I am a voracious reader.  It's something I just love to do and I believe in taking the time to do things that you really enjoy (even if you are a wife, mother, executive of an erotic fiction company or all three).  You will often find my Kindle and various other reading materials scattered about...in the car, the kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom (like you don't!), my purse, etc.  Now when I say I am an avid reader that does not mean I read things that are going to better the world or teach me something, I am just as passionate about reading People magazine as I am about reading the latest book club selection (who am I kidding, I like People the most).  If it interests me I will read it...from chick lit to Cosmo to historical fiction to parenting know-how.  I especially love books that come from a simple idea that makes me smack myself in the head and say, "why didn't I think of that?!?".  Case in point..."Sh*t My Dad Says", by Justin Halpern.  This guy has parleyed something so nonsensical into an empire.  Which brings me to my (long, wordy and indirect) point.   Sh*t My Kids Say and Sh*t I Never Thought I'd Say in a Million, Gazillion Years.  Someone already has a book coming out in November with the former as it's title but a Google search on Sh*t I'd Never Thought I'd Say in a Million, Gazillion Years came up empty (only because I added "a Million, Gazillion Years"...aaaaand if you don't find it on Google, that's some sh*t that must not exist.).

Things are getting more and more interesting around the Martini house.  Thing 1 is 10, Thing 2 is 8 and The Princess has turned 5.  Sometimes the things that come out of their mouths are just precious, but more often they alternately leave me wondering if I forgot about dropping them on their heads once or twice as babies and just plain being horrified.  Here is an example of this weeks gems...

From Thing 1 (while having a discussion about how three different dog breeds are combined to create a French Bulldog)..."Mom, how do three things have a...(long pause)...moment?". 

From Thing 2..."Mom, does Diet Coke taste like Root Beer?"..."No, Diet Coke tastes like Diet Coke."...Does Cherry Coke taste like Diet Coke?"..."No, Diet Coke tastes like Diet Coke, root beer tastes like root beer and Cherry Coke tastes like Cherry Coke, they are three different kinds of pop (or soda, depending on where you are reading this)."..."Ooooohhhh, I forgot.".  Truth be told, I'm a smidge worried about how often he forgets.

From The Princess (after I had an awkward conversation with her camp teacher)..."Princess, what are you not going to talk about in camp anymore?"..."Chainsaws", said the Princess slowly in a low, disappointed voice.

Seriously, I couldn't make this sh*t up if I tried.  It certainly helps with the boredom that starts creeping into mothering about August O'clock every summer.  I think I will just roll my eyes, shake my head, have a good (inappropriate) laugh and thank my lucky stars school starts in two weeks. 

Someone Other Than the Bus Monitor Should be Crying About This

Warning:  Video content is disturbing and contains LOTS of language.  My response contains LOTS of ranting and some (OK LOTS) of language. 

OK, so I am a little slow on the uptake with this one but holy crap, I can not let this go by without a rant.  Are you one of the umpteen million people who have seen the You Tube video "Making the Bus Monitor Cry"?  If you are a parent you MUST watch this.  I'm going to warn you it is one of the most disturbing things I have ever watched (and I accidentally watched Mexican porn once...it's a genre...for reals) but it might be the most important thing you do today.  I'm gonna go ahead and link it here for you http://youtu.be/l93wAqnPQwk.  Again, EXTREMELY disturbing...you may need tissue.

Now that you have watched this atrocity...what say you?  Here's what I have to say...

This is the most disgusting display and lack of humanity I have ever seen.  These kids are 12...TWELVE!!!  What kind of parents did such a bang up job to produce these young douche bags who think this is an acceptable way to treat a person?  The kids deserve a bitch slap of a punishment but let's line the parents up shall we, and bitch slap them as well...HARDER!  And the father of one of these shitty little kids went ON THE NEWS to say that he didn't understand why people who are so disgusted by his little demon spawn's behavior would then turn around and make threats and nasty comments to his boy?  Seriously?  Did you HEAR what your son said to a grown women who should have been an authority figure to him on the bus?  Did you hear how many times he called her a fat ass?  Did you hear him giggle while he told her he was going to pee on her door and throw flaming shit at her house?  Did you hear him laugh while he said he was going to come in her mouth...COME.IN.HER.MOUTH???  WTF!?!?!?!?  This went on for over 10...TEN minutes!  Really?  What is WRONG with these kids!  And then the idiot that hatched the plan to make a video of their horrid behavior puts the video on You Tube.  Because to these half wits, it's some funny shit...I want to puke.  First, I want to kick them in the throat and THEN I want to puke.  And then I'm thinking...where was the freakin' bus driver during these 10 minutes of torture?  And why did not one single kid on that bus stand up for Mrs. Klein.  Only 4 kids on the bus where total asshats but what about the others?  I know it is hard to go against the grain when you are young and being liked seems like the most important thing in the world but even through this?  Watching someone being treated THIS poorly?  I am speechless (bet you were waiting for that!).

What could possibly make this better or could something redeeming come of this story?  Thank God the answer is yes or we may want to just curl up in a ball and cry somewhere knowing this kind of shit not only exists but is tolerated.  There are TONS of videos on You Tube from kids all over the world expressing their INtolerance of this bullshit.  Here is one of my favoriteshttp://youtu.be/oBWuJ4q9laM 

And even more amaze balls than so many kids saying they too, are disgusted by this behavior is the behavior of Mrs. Klein.  She said nothing.  She didn't lose her temper. She didn't write them up.  She didn't kick any of them in the head.  She said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.".  I don't know about you but this is something I was taught from a very young age.  Which is likely where things started going off the rails for these kids.  

I am shocked but I am also not shocked, which is kind of sad (and by that I mean actually sad, not just my usual wah wah wah).  One of my primary goals as a parent is to make sure I send decent, compassionate kids into the world every day.  Parenting is so hard...every choice we make seems to have such awesome consequences.  Keep up the good fight...it's your job and it's totally worth everything that goes into it.  But if you do happen to raise total f#@!tards like the kids in the video, please have the good sense to keep them at home, where they can abuse only you.

Someone PLEASE Step On (or Burn) His Blue Suede Shoes!

Tonight we continue our journey (the most overused word on TV ever!) with Emily in Croatia.  Which is, in case you haven't heard it before, THE MOST PERFECT place into fall in love. 

Good 'ole boy Travis gets the 1-on-1 and begins his first (oh so boring!) date with Emily.  There is a rock, his shirt should have come off, she's annoyed...to be honest I kind of zoned out at this part.  I was having trouble staying awake.  Clearly, Travis is headed to the "friend" zone, confirmed by Emily and sealed with a hug and a pat on the back.  I feel really bad for the guy.  He hasn't had a date in TWO YEARS!  That dude has got to be pent up like he's been in prison and he walks away with a hug and umbrella.  And I'm pretty sure he did NOT like that umbrella 'cuz he threw that sh## on the ground and cried like a baby, in the rain.  Wah wah wah. 

Need I remind you Travis was the egg guy?!?

There was a great moment during the date when we were allowed a glimpse into the other "men" talking (like girls) back at the hotel and WHAM...I had to stop/pause/freeze in my Tivo tracks.  Ryan's awesome white tank top...and by that I mean he borrowed it from his teenage sister.

Please give this back to the tween you swiped it from.
Your confidence can only take you so far dude.

On the group date, the boys went to see the movie Brave.  Bless their little hearts, all of them said it was awesome and an ah-mazing analogy for their journey (there's that freakin' word again!) with Emily.  That's right...a group of GROWN ASS MEN said they liked a cartoon to get in Emily's good graces (ie. pants).  Fast forward to men in skirts and knee socks in The Highland Games!  There is ass riding (am I gonna get in trouble for the picture on my computer titled the same???), tree throwing and some bows 'n arrows.

It's hard to not look like an ass when you are riding one.

Summary...Sean was HOT (says Emily, again.)!  Arie acted like a girl (act surprised).  Chris was HORRIBLE at EVERYTHING and had a whiny excuse for ALL of it...if he only had time to practice...like no one else had a chance to...'cuz they don't have Highland Games in Chicago.  Dude, you are making it IMPOSSIBLE for me to root for the home team!  I did come up with a way to pass the time...DRINKING GAME!  Every time Jef says "like", like, take a like, chug a lug of your like, cocktail like, OK?  PS.  Did you know he thinks his connection with Emily is like,  unlike any other???  And by that I mean unlike any other...other than the connection they ALL think they have with Emily.  Oh, either Arie or Jef (that's how little I care) thinks they are in love and could ask her to marry him tomorrow!  It's like, CRAZY!  Because it IS!  Crazy!  That you are in love with this dull, humorless woman.  Sorry Em.  Tru dat.

1-on-1 with Ryan...the world most arrogant man in search of a trophy wife (hey, that would make ANOTHER great drinking game!).  Apparently, Ryan takes 3 hours to get ready...in a t-shirt and track pants.  He also has a list of 12 qualities he wants in his (trophy) wife...because THAT'S not weird at all.  Most of them are superficial qualities...because THAT'S not what you'd expect from a guy who wakes up EVERY day, looks in the mirror and tells himself what an amazing man he is.  My very favorite moment of this date?  Watching Ryan walk away in his ridiculous BLUE.SUEDE.SHOES!!!

These need to be filed in the trash next to the many
man scarves of Ryan.

Rose ceremony!  Remember, Arie has a secret, pretend, invisible rose from the night before when he snuck over to Emily's room to take advantage (I mean to make sure she's all right) of her after saying Buh Bye to Ryan.  Doug and Wolf are on the bubble (insert gasp here).  "Humble" Doug and his "I'm just a guy" make me want to stick a hot poker in my eye.  He has drifted WAY into the hug zone with his wah wah wah attitude...do any of you want to just see this one put out of his misery???  Were any of you fooled by tricky dick Emily and her rose switcheroo???  So they both stay and we can drag out the suspense a little longer...in Prague!  Until then!

London and Man Scarves and Dragons...Oh My!

First, let me apologize for not posting last week and express my gratitude that several of you asked where it was.  I would write these posts whether anyone read them or not and imagine my delight that it's being read regularly.  Thank you for missing my little blog.

So, Emily, you sweet, sweet girl.  Why oh why are you so boring?  Sometimes, when I'm watching, I have to stab myself with a fork just to stay focused.  I think casting did a spectacular job this time around because they found you some of the.most.boring bachelors to go with your sparkly personality.  Which brings me to your first date with Sean...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  I was momentarily lifted out of snooze ville by that awesome dress you were wearing...loved it!  AND while passing time watching the worlds most boring date, I had a fantastic idea for a drinking game!  Every time Emily says "cute" take a sip or a chug.  It may help the show seem a little less boring and you may vomit...win win!  When Sean said this was the best day of his life I wanted to cry...me thinks he needs to live a little if that's the case. 

Best day ever?  Meh.

Onward fair readers to thoust lame ass group date.  Was anyone surprised that no one but Alejandro knew it was Shakespeare referenced on the date card?  Me either (and by that I mean I expected NONE of them to know).  Where to begin...Kalon took things WAY too seriously as usual and kept the stick firmly in his ass where it has been since he climbed out the limo.  You know we will visit him again later, right???  I am afraid someone told Ryan they liked his man scarf once because he wore one every time we saw him tonight. 

Man scarf.

I am not sold on the man scarf...but I would like to ask him about the knot he used for future reference with my scarf...for a woman...like God intended it to be.  But what was up with the cheesy wink 'n tongue click he gave Emily after sequestering her behind the velvet curtains at the pub?  This guy is ridiculous but I think Emily is eating it up.  Better not eat too much girlfriend because then Ryan will only love you, not love ON you.  The boys got all girly at the pub, gossiping about Kalon's unfortunate (but fortunate for us!) "baggage" remarks.  At first, I thought this was a case of the telephone game...you know...when Kalon says one thing and by the time it gets to Emily it's something totally different in really shitty way.  Alas, Kalon is just a d-bag (this is a surprise to anyone?). 

Doug                      33
Pot Stirrer/Tattle Tale

Enter Doug...professional pot stirrer and resident tattle tale.  I don't know about you but there is something about Doug that makes me feel icky.  I don't like him.  I don't like his personality, I don't like the things that come out his mouth, I don't like his face.  I think he is part girl the way he gathers everyone together to out Kalon.  But I'm glad he did for the BEST moment of the night when Emily decides to "go West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass".  Can I get an AMEN!  I LOVE West Viriginia...home of Biscuit World...it's totally worth the trip.

WV hood rat.

Jef finally gets his one-on-one.  There is not much I can say about this one.  First, he says if Ricki is baggage then she is a Chloe bag I want to keep forever and then he says they will have dance parties all night, singing into hair brushes while Emily is at work.  I'm gonna go out on a limb here and risk offending...I worry that Jef would be better suited as Emily's gay BFF (and I love me a gay BFF...after all, it's no secret Andy Cohen is my big gay crush).

Chloe or Ricki???

 

The rose ceremony is less than dramatic (and by that I mean painfully boring) ...Ryan wears another man scarf (make it stop!) and Alejandro gets the boot.  Hardly surprising considering Emily had yet to have a conversation with him.  But it still hurt bad and made him tear up a little in the cab home (they must not have limos in London...or helicopters...damn it!). 

Croatia here we come!